Posts Tagged movies

Action! Comedy! Suspense! (Soft)Porn! Comsol has it all!

Posted by Wilson in movies, sex on April 15, 2009


I stopped by the old neighbourhood video/dvd store Comsol this afternoon, interested in what new additions they had in their library. Their stock is updated weekly, and while their range encompasses mostly A and B grade movies that either have already passed through the cinemas or are currently screening (and are generally labeled CCC, which I can only assume stands for Crappy Cinema Copy), now and then I notice a few movies, usually small indie flicks, that are not exactly your standard blockbuster fare, somehow making it into their weekly lineup. Generally, this is what I look forward to whenever I visit the store, but I do pay attention to my testosterone side and snag the occassional action mash up.

Comsol displays their latest range of movies by pasting A4 printouts of the movie’s poster onto a wall facing the front desk, which helps newcomers get up to speed with their latest offerings. Relaxing at the front, I browsed through the posters, mentally noting which ones were of interest, when I came across this:
Image source: www.wikipedia.org
No, this isn’t some B-grade rip-off from the actual Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. Though in hindsight, it could be viewed as such. What this movie is, to be precise, is the biggest, most expensive adult film, made in 2005, and is basically about a bunch of “ragtag sailors who go searching for a crew of evil pirates who have a plan for world domination. Also, many of the characters in the movie have sex with one another.”
Mind you, the trailer for the movie is SFW. Mostly :P
Yep, thats correct. Right in front of me, pasted besides such familiar standard fare moviestock such as “Choke” and “Red Cliff” was an actual proper porn movie, in full and dare I say normal, display. Needless to say, I was taken aback by such boldness on Comsol’s part. I mean, granted, porn is one of the main money makers for many video stores for years, but it was always very subtle and secret like. Awhile back, when the Balu Khan sex tape was doing the rounds, video stores would have their own copies, but were always distributed under the table, so to say. So if you wanted to watch that particular video, you sorta had to whisper for ‘balu khan’, and next thing you know, you’ve got your own copy.
While I was still trying to comprehend what was infront of me, another customer on my right was already one step of me, and had inquired about the movie.
“Can I also get that movie there, Pirates please? Pirates? That’s pirates ga the pirate movie?” He asked.
Yes, I silently agreed. Pray tell, which Pirate movie are we talking about here? In a way, probably more out of disbelief, I was hoping that somehow, someone had mistakenly printed out the wrong (read: porn) version of the Pirates movie, and had just settled for this one, instead of the more family oriented friendly version we’ve all come to know and love.
The attendant, a young fijian guy, pointed to the poster.
“This one?”
“Yeah, that one.” The customer squinted, “Is it Pirates part one or part two?”
I was curious. Part one or part two? Did he even know there was a part three?
“Nope,” the attendant confirmed confidently, “this one is part one. Us gang only have part one for now.”
“Set. I’ll take it.” And with that, he walked off with his own copy of pirate porn (literally). I surpressed the urge to laugh and ask the customer if he knew exactly what he was taking home, but decided to instead just ask if what was on display was really what I thought it was.
“Hey bro,” I motioned to the attendant, trying to look cool and indifferent, “that movie, Pirates, what’s that movie about?”
A slight smile crept in his somewhat poker face, “oh that movie. Thing about pirates and stuff. Kila?”
I narrowed my eyes, hinting that I wasn’t quite the fool he made me out to be. “Pirates ga thing one porno movie?”
The slight smile morphed into a grin. “Eah. That one.”
“Ah.”
NOTE: Upon closer inspection, the “Pirates” poster had a ‘R18′ stenciled on it. A cursory glance at the movie’s wiki page reveals that the pornographic movie had two versions, the standard “Bangalot” version, and the more sanitised (when is a porn not a porn? When it’s R18 :P ) R-rated version. Two guesses as to which version was actually being sold and displayed for all to see? Of course, what’s stopping them from actually having both versions? ;)
The plot thickens…

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Tribe Un-wanted

Posted by Wilson in internet, movies on April 7, 2009

I was browsing through the papers during the week when I came across this full page advert. 


Nothin much in the way of ‘noteworthy’ you might say. Large picture of movie’s heroes (or in this case, heroine) – check. “Grand Opening Today in Village 6″ title at the top – check. Top movie critics giving the movie their undivided love – chec – wait. What’s this?

Ok lets back up abit here. LA Times as a revered movie critic. That I can understand. Yahoo.com? They’ve certainly got the web space, as well as the reviews to show for it. But what is this ‘tribe.com.fj’? Judging by its .fj address, I warranted a local website, possibly trying to cash in on the movie’s hype by dropping in its own seat blowing thumbs up one liner.

The commendation for the movie from the website made me grimace. “A 3D Animation”? To call a 3d film a ’3d animation’ is to miss out on the opportunity to use the word “MOVIE”. Also, the seat blowing action reference is, well, to put it in a more polite term, lame. I was determined to get behind this movie review, or find out who reviewed the movie with such a great grip on catchy word usage.
Investigatory skills in tow, I headed over to www.tribe.com.fj, expecting, well, not really knowing what to expect. 

“Welcome to the TRIBE”. I certainly felt like I was in tribe land, with totems and flashy graphics aplenty. Ignoring everything else, I headed straight for the movie section, where clicking on the “Monsters vs Aliens” link gave me this:

Visions of long, flowery essays glorifying the spaztastic eye candy and chair blowing action that was Monsters vs Aliens quickly faded from my head when all I was greeted with was a copy paste movie synopsis straight from the movie’s IMDB page:
“When a meteorite from outer space hits a young girl and turns her into a giant monster, she is taken to a secret government compound where she meets a ragtag group of monsters also rounded up over the years.”

Needless to say, I was most disappointed. I wanted my action quote! I wanted my ‘blow you out of your freaken goddamn chair’ line! I wanted a local movie reviewer who resorts to downsizing animated movies to a mere ’3D animation’ because quite frankly, thats what all 3d animated movies are! I wanted something that at least required a tad bit more effort then Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V! I want an actual movie review from an actual person, and not some lie drawn up on the Fiji Times page!
Granted, the tribe one liner was a mere ploy to get people to the tribes website. I mean, sure, I can understand, it’s as they say, strictly business. But please, if you’re going to lead the flock astray to your website, make it worth their (and not forgetting my) while and have some content thats at least original.

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Watchmen Homage Image of the Month

Posted by Wilson in ...ofthemonth, movies on September 8, 2008

Photo taken just down the road from Dudley High School in Toorak.
Horrible picture – I’ll be sure to take a better one next time round ><

“I hear always the admonishment of my friends:

“Bolt her in, constrain her!” But who will guard
the guardians? The wife plans ahead and begins with them!”
Every morning on my way to work, I walk past this particular signpost. When I glance up and see the smiley face on the sign, I can’t help but think of the smiley face from the renowned comic “The Watchmen” as well as the upcoming movie. Sure the similarities may be far fetched, but the imagery intrigues me nonetheless.
PS: Who will watch the watchmen? translated into fijian - o cei dau sarava na dau tina?
Why? For showoff’s sake.
PSS: Thanks to Freda for the Fijian translation :)

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5 Reasons why “Bulawood” will benefit Fiji

Posted by Wilson in grog, movies on July 29, 2008


If you look reeeeal close, at the back you’ll see the hopefully infamous ‘bulawood’…

Its official.

As of this week, Fiji, as well as the rest of the South Pacific, is – I hesitate to use the word officially, now designated as “Bulawood”, in reference towards our common goal of marketing the South Pacific’s viability as a movie making venue to the rest of the world, India not included. That’s because India a.k.a. Bollywood a.k.a. the original ‘B-wood’ community already knows about Fiji being another exotic destination to film in other than the other 1st world countries that they’re already familiar with.

But, questions the street going, run-of-the-mill Alipate, what does such an event have in beneficial terms to your average Tomasi, Jone and Panapasa? A question that is rightfully asked, and shall be answered here “Failed Paradise” style.

By going the 5 points way we are being hip, cool and up to date with the internet blogging scene, since every blog has to have a list, in some sort of excuse or another.

1) Grog will be the official Sponsored Drink of the Stars

Hollywood is the home of product placement and endorsement. You can’t watch a movie without inadvertently seeing a product been used that was paid for to be seen with your gullible eyes. In Fiji, we all know what that’ll be.

By the time Fiji has become a liable place for filming, Chaudry would have already destroyed what little of a bottled water economy we had going on, and Grog would have taken over, a giant monolith of conglomerate proportions, with sponsored rugby teams, break dance competitions, and most importantly, product placement in all the movies that are filmed in Fiji.

2) Movies will be released first on dvds through Comsol, then everywhere else

Comsol has gained a reputation for being the local hub of all copyright evil, and in the eyes of the repressed, will only go from strength to strength. With their $1 dvds, rapid growth ensures, and the company begins to buy out all the other video stores around the country, becoming the biggest movie dealership in Fiji. There is nothing, reel or related, that doesn’t go through Comsol Headquarters first. So big is their influence, that a deal is struck with Movie companies who have invested in Fiji. All locally produced big budget films are to be released first through Comsol branches Fiji-wide, before being distributed throughout the rest of the world. Its power is so absolute, that the Pirate Bay houses several of its backup servers in one of their buildings.

3) We will have our local version of Shortland Street


The staple diet of every proper housewife, wide-eyed teenager and unsupervised child, Shortland Street is Fiji’s most popular Soap Opera, with Fiji One News following closely. And with the advent of Bulawood, it would only be a matter of time before our very own version of Shortland Street would make its debut here on the local airwaves. With weekly scripts approved by the Methodist Church, “Kakase Korner” would go on to be the biggest local show, where themes of love, betrayal and the occasional rugby game are thrown into the mix and both church and politics play a heavy hand in the lives of the silver screen stars.

4) Food will be served at all cinemas, with an exclusivity towards BBQ

Movie goers have ravenous appetites that stand toe to toe with the most zombie of zombies, and when it comes the locals, do you think a paltry paper bag of popcorn and a kiddie size coke cup is going to satisfy them? Hell no! Damodar Brothers would recognise this with dollar signs ringing in their eyes. Because of their monopoly over cinemas fiji wide, it was easy to allow the BBQ sellers in, and eventually, it becomes a fine Fijian family tradition to spend a Saturday afternoon munching on roasted chicken, slightly stale cassava, and oodles of onion while cheering the latest action hero on.

5) Serevi will be an Action Movie Star


You know this had to happen. Deep down inside, if you looked hard enough, you know that this was in the making. Serevi is too cool to just be given a hero’s welcome, a coach title and an appearance in tv adverts. No. The only way for him to go down in memory lane as a titan is to be imortalized as a movie star. And not just some whiny, heart strings biography, but a full on out guns blazing, body pieces flying, explosions aflame, and don’t forget the obligatory girl in trouble. Every action movie needs one to make up for the lack of a script. Though with Serevi at the helm, who needs a script? Armed with his winning smile, his deft hands and that ungodly goose step, every movie that stars him is a cinema packer, BBQ food and all.

It’s going to be a fun future for us all.

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