One of these gang is not like the other…

That’s right folks. That is none other then the rapper himself, Lil Wayne, posing with hotel staff of a local hotel here in deepest farthest Fiji.

When Lil Wayne tweeted his intention of touring the Southern Hemisphere, it was a huge surprise when Fiji was announced as squarely in his sights.

And he was touring with Eminem? It was almost too good to be true. However the somewhat vague nature of the tweet, as well as a lack of additional touring information regarding Fiji, meant that Fiji was probably filed under ‘stopping over for a spot of sun and beaches.’

After what seemed like a quiet few weeks post-announcement, a photo surfaced on Facebook. Shock! Amazement! He actually did drop by, even if was somewhat of a quiet event. All celebrities are in need of a little R ‘n’ R, and Lil Wayne is no different.

However, if he thought that Fiji was merely a stopover, then he is definitely missing out on a golden opportunity to have a little unorthodox fun. Here are 5 things that Lil Wayne should have done while in Fiji:

1) Grog

There’s a strong probability that he has already tried this, and to whoever was the lucky person who served him the first taki, onz. In my head, all celebrities, after passing the passport checkpoint, must partake in at least one bowl of grog, as a mix between pleasing the locals and being able to boast to their friends back at home, ‘I’ve partaken in third world tribal culture!’ For some strange reason, picturing rapper Weezy taking time out of his busy schedule to have a sip of the local juice strikes me as funny, though I’m not too sure why. Maybe it’s because grog is considerably the most un-gangsta juice out there. However, considering the fact that he loves his Fiji Water, kava drunk on the very same shores where Fiji Water is made may be the ultimate trip for him.

2) Get a pic on the beach for his next album cover

Nothing says ‘well traveled gentleman’ better than an album cover which features the white sandy beaches that Fiji is renowned for. Sure it’s not exactly the most gansta of album covers, but consider this: how many rappers out there actually have a beach of any sort on their cover? How many can lay claim to the fact that not only have they been to said beach, but actually went through all the effort to bring their own couch all the way from their childhood home, right onto the calming sounds of the pacific ocean washing up onto a picture perfect shoreline? Not many, if any. As an added bonus, Tourism Fiji could get in on the act, with billboards advertising how much street cred Fiji has, now that there’s an album with their beach featured prominently on the cover. “It’s Paradise Bitches” is a real winner. Perhaps “It’s Paradise Bocis” for the local market, but that is still being focus group tested.

3) Get mentioned in the papers for their violent swear-filled lyrics

Aaahh the ol’ controversy mill. Guaranteed to sell you papers, and at the very least, please your bible-thumping parents, controversy over anything and everything pop culture related is the knee jerk response some locals love to bring out whenever confronted with something ‘new’. The last time the Fiji media ‘highlighted’ a performer’s ‘suicidal lyrics’, poor Sean Kingston had to defend himself while simultaneously trying to look cool.

Of course, should Lil Wayne ever come under the same fire as Sean Kingston did, the ‘looking cool’ part would be automatically taken care of. As to his defense about lyrics being ‘lewd, explicit and suggestive’?

‘I don’t even know how to rap’.

Sounds legit.

4) Make a song with Laisa Vulikoro

Everyone knows Laisa Vulakoro. Here, she even has her own wikipedia page. Known locally as the Vude Queen, and somewhat less fondly as the singer for that brain aneurysm-inducing jingle ‘Suncourt! Aha! Aha aha!’, she has performed far and wide, proudly taking Fiji to distant shores with her vude music. According to her Wikipedia page, she has performed with Jimmy Barnes of Cold Chisel, a momentous occassion in itself, but one that would pale in comparison to the prospect of doing a R&B single with none other than Time’s ‘Best Rapper Alive’, Lil Wayne? Imagine the possibilities. A Vude-HipHop collab, the first of its kind in Fiji, or even the Pacific. Possible song titles could be ‘Never Get Enuf’ of dat Taki’, ‘Isa Noqu Bu’ and ‘Au Mili’.

5) Perform at a nightclub. Preferably Whistling Duck.

Most aspiring musicians go through hell to get their craft out there. Starting out in crappy, cramp, damp, badly lit clubs and bars, with patrons that’ll guarantee your daily diet of broken bottles and last nights leftovers, it’s the lowest of the low in terms of performance venues. But, as they say, ‘steel is forged from fire’, and (hopefully) from here you can only go up. By experiencing the worst humanity has to offer, you’ll be able to take anything that life throws at you later on. And in Fiji, no other bar has a reputation as low, or as scary, as Whistling Duck. Situated at the edge of Civilisation, Nausori’s claim to booze, brawls and caged DJs lies within Whistling Duck’s oft tested walls. And here is where Lil Wayne could test his steely resolve. Not only will he have to deal with an unruly crowd of village proportions, but he’d have to win the masses who are used to shallow remixes of vude/hip hop mash-ups. Sure, he’s proved he’s the man. But it wouldn’t hurt to engage in a little edgy venue now and then.

Knox, an accomplished musician and quite the guitar player, has been steadily making a name of himself ever since coming onto the music scene in recent years. A local musician with an album on iTunes as well as Amazon, he makes his music in a manner that befits his personality. His guitar based jams elicit a simpler, quieter time, and his musical range in the album ranges from a mix of jazz and blues, to this reggae riff ‘Sa rui dede’.

Currently he’s joined an assemble called ‘Sherrif N D Judges’, but also does a few solo gigs on the side.

Just a normal day at the office

I love the show Fresh TV. Granted I don’t stay in New Zealand, so whatever snippets of the show I can watch are from Youtube rips, but the opportunity to watch Island humour in all its ‘beudy’ on air is something to behold.

While I await, perhaps in vain, for a local show of similiar love, Fresh TV’s ‘Know Your Roots’ section, a retelling of common legends found amongst the Pacific Islands, has done a segment on the Firewalkers of Beqa, Fiji and how they got their magical abilities to walk on white hot lovo stones unharmed.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Fresh retelling without Fresh TV’s own humorous input, which either hinder or enhance the story, depending on your taste in Island humour.

Welcome to 2012!

A new year, a new set of resolutions that may or may not be forgotten a month in, a fresh start, it’s tabula rasa all over again.

And what better way to herald in the new year than jamming to the groovy tunes of O-Shen and his single ‘Country Boy’.

Locals will recognise many of the scenes shot in the video, as O-Shen takes a stroll through them singing lyrics that echo much sentiments amongst Pacific Islanders here and abroad.

/shrug

It’s Fabio. He mentions Fiji. There’s an ukulele and a floating coconut.

What can I say. It’s the Christmas holidays.

Initially, I thought Alphamama was a girl group. Silly me. She’s a solo artist who comes from the Australian music scene. Having performed everywhere from the Opera House to our very own Traps bar, she’s definitely on the rise to greater things.

Her latest release and quite the catchy tune “Crazy Sexy Cool” is accompanied by a music video shot in Fiji. Shot by locals Jason Chute and Damian Light (Damian also did the camera work for Envy, he’s quite the talented bastard), it’s a great video that certainly highlights the things we all love about Fiji. Especially the bus.

The real kicker for this video though is, in certain shots where Alphamama sings to the camera, there’s this fijian guy dancing in the background.

…IT’S THE JAH FROM RA!

Not really. But close.

Rules of Survival: Chinese Cafe

This is the beginning of a series of blog posts (thanks Wilson) about how to identify, act and escape from these places. 

Everybody knows that in Fiji there is a wide variety of food to be had.  And thus, a wide variety of eating places in which to have these foods.  There is the exclusive, i.e. expensive restaurants that cater to the expats and upwardly mobile.  The market stalls, that have the blue collar workers as their clientele; and a host of other eating places that can accommodate across the different socio economic range.  But in this blogpost, I’m going to write about one particular eating place that I’m sure everybody has been to at least once.  And that is the Chinese café.

I’m sure you’ve seen it.  It’s the one with the cash register in front, a glass counter that has packets of cigarettes fighting for space with chewing gum.  There’s a cheerful Chinese person waiting to take your order, ladies moving around the place clearing the tables.  And if you’re can see into the back, you get to see a gentleman dressed in shorts and a vest moving around from pot to wok, making sure to sweat into each and every dish.  That’s the chef. 

Now, first things first.  When waiting in line, be ready with your order ahead of time.  Speak clearly, loudly and for goodness sake, be specific.  Chances are, English is not the first language of the person taking your order. For example, “Curry chicken, rice, large, eat here.”  Keep in mind, there are only two sizes of meals.  You want medium, go buy some sliced bread. And don’t get cute and ask what EXACTLY goes into what you’re ordering.  One time, there was this American that was ahead of me asked if there was any MSG in the red pork and I could almost swear, the guy serving sprinkled some “special salt” (dandruff) onto the plate.   

   Everything is shared. In the Fiji this goes without saying.  But have you ever shared a table with complete strangers.  Note, I wrote table, not meal.  Go to a Chinese café during lunch hour and you’ll find yourself sharing a table with people you’ve never seen before and probably never see again, sharing sugar, salt, and a plate of chili; but not conversation.  Apart from the usual head nod, there is no talking.  I know I know, no conversation over a meal in the Islands?  Surely I jest.  But trust me, asking how fresh the chicken blackbean is, will get you nothing but a blank stare and an unasked question in to how long its been since you escaped from St. Giles (the local nuthut).  And another thing.  If you think making eye contact in the clubs is risky, try doing that with a person who’s no more than a teaspoon length away from you, and your mouth full of fish and chips.  That’ll bring a whole new level of awkwardness to the situation.

You’ve finished your meal and you want to wash your hands.  You make your way over to the sink (we normally just say “tap”), and what do you find.  A sliver of soap that has molded itself onto the sink and can only be removed if you’ve got the strength of Hercules and a piece of ragged cloth that has seen better days in which to dry your hands.  My recommendation, resist urge to see your meal in reverse a.k.a. throw up, suck it up and wash your hands.  You’ve probably already contracted a host of diseases just by walking into the place, might as well add a few more.  Who knows, maybe they’ll cancel each other out.

I know I sound rather harsh about these eating places, but its all love.   What I really like about it, is that nobody thinks twice about sitting among strangers; a free seat is a free seat, no matter who your fellow meal takers are.  And hey, people gotta eat. You want healthy, go munch on some nuts and berries and wash it down with bottled water.  You want filling, then make your way over to the nearest Chinese café.  Trust me.  You won’t regret it…’til later.

Hello December!

It’s time to celebrate the close of the old year, and welcome the beginning of the end of the world. And what better way to do that then with the thunderous sounds of the home-made bamboo gun.

There’s a certain science involved in getting a bamboo gun to work. I, however, will not bore you with that today. Instead, here is a video of someone else’s misfortune at the expense of one locally grown bamboo gun.

Watching the man react in shock to the explosion reminds me a bit of this:

There’s a certain barometer to judge the progress of a country’s awareness to pop culture and the like. Inserting ‘lol’ in your conversation, Chuck Norris jokes, hating on Twilight, Jersey Shore quotes, and Star Wars in all its prequel and original glory. While certain points of awareness pass without much fanfare and/or recognition, with the advance of the internet, it’s becoming easier to crow about your achievements to the (online) world.

Flash mobs are a particularly tricky feat. There’s people to organise, a venue to be chosen and scoped out, security to be noted, a crowd to appreciate your antics and not least of all, not having someone crash your carefully rehearsed play.

Vodafone has stepped up and claimed the country’s ‘first’ ever Flash Mob title, if ever there was one, done at the 2nd floor of MHCC in Suva City.

Using what looks like a combination of Zumba dance swings and country step movements, the ‘brought to you by Vodafone’ flash dance squad catches the MHCC food floor crowd by surprise when a girl initially starts the action, prompting worrying glances of ‘Friday Night party rockers still on the loose’. Thankfully when the rest of the mob joined in (albit a bit too quick I reckon, the video does stretch for awhile when the whole group forms up) it became a bit more obvious this was something planned.

Although, if it wasn’t for the ‘VODAFONE!’ screaming at the end with their shirts ripping open to reveal (thankfully) Vodafone shirts, then it could have been a Bollywood movie come alive. Now that’s a proper flash mob.

Uro (Fijian): Slang; Title used to describe a sexy person.

Uro Club: A group of sexy people who hang out together; The top of the social ladder; In a high school movie, these people would consist of the football team and the cheerleading squad; Potential politicians, trophy wives and BP Oil Spillers; The 1%. (Note: There actually is no Uro Club – Ed)

(Golf) Uro Club: I don’t play Golf. I’m so confused…