If you close your eyes that is, disregarding the fact that the video before you does not, infact show Graham Eden in the flesh, but rather a guy who does a pretty darn good impression of the local rugby commentator legend. While on the floor. And recorded by what looks like a hand-held phone.

Too good.

In other news, Lenny Kravitz of “American Woman” and recently, “The Hunger Games” movie, just dropped by Fiji to add to the ever growing tally of celebrities visiting our shores.

Be sure to try the grog. It’s real dope.

“Lenny Kravitz this morning coming back to Denarau on Mamanuca Express Water Taxi’s – Bula Lenny!” Photo from Mai TV.

When your “SMASHING DEAL” is popular for the wrong reasons.

Vinaka Fiji_Tattoo!

Remember that time when you said out aloud jokingly that if someone made a kava cake you’d eat your shirt?

Challenge accepted.

This delightfully delicious ‘Kava Bowl Cake’ made by Sweet Temptations Cakes and Cupcakes (Hammondville in New South Wales, Australia for you locals halfway with your wallets out) makes real grog look boring. And less sweet. And without the dopeness. Or the numbness.

Now you can have your taki and eat it too.

And for your churchified friend’s birthday? Somehow a grog cake won’t go down well with them. Do you think a simple “Jesus loves you on your birthday, so do we” on a heart shaped cake would cut it? A hug and a quick bible reading? A bookmark that has Philippians 4:13 quoted on it? No.

Instead, if you truly want to impress upon your buddy the importance of the Word of God…you will make them eat it.

Next up: A chinese lolly cake.

Source: Facebook page

Huge, muscled men running around on the grass, tackling and hugging each other, sweating furiously under the spotlights, short pants and tight shirts…

I mean sure there’s the fine technicalities of rugby in itself, but for women (and some men), there’s always the added sex appeal when it comes to watching Rugby being played out. And since the Super 15s rugby season is upon us, you can bet your village’s cassava plantation that the rugby fans will be out in numbers, heeding the call for the moral support as well as issuing the battle cry for their respective teams.

For most women with partners, it can be a somewhat busy time, with friends showing up unexpectedly at your house, smiling and waving before heading straight towards your tv. A quick glance at the kitchen reveals the empty bottles of the drinks that your husband finished last week, the refills all but forgotten. A palm to the face, a quiet groan, and a silent hope that your new found guests won’t start getting too annoyed with the bottled water you’ve placed in front of them.

Fear not. The blogger of “When in Fiji” has come to the rescue, snapping up a handy guide on preparing for the fun-fueled upcoming rugby weekends. A staunch Crusaders fan, she’s getting into the swing of things by listing out various important points to help the female readers deal with the inevitable rugby crowd. More than just a few bullet points about resource gathering (“Make sure there’s a steady supply of your choice of poison”), she’s also noted down handy tips for her female partners:

Woman Only Area – The back/front verandah, kitchen or maybe your office/ study should be an area where the women can congregate to discuss perving notes or just chill without the rugby talk.

Head over to her blog post and read up on the rest of her handy tips. And have a browse around while you’re there.

Continuing our Star Wars trip, here’s the ever cool Star Wars Storm Trooper taking a break from his otherwise hectic schedule of miss-aimed laser shots, guard duty and the occasional falling off high ledges in big space stations, to just chill out and catch some wave in our lovely shores of Fiji.

The Surfing Trooper is a surfer/photographer who takes his craft around the world, catching both waves and awesome photos. With an apt description on the tumblr page, “The Surfing Trooper is taking a vacation from the Empire to surf around our world. Have you seen him?” the somewhat mysterious Trooper has dropped by various places in the world, from Fiji to Las Vegas.

Be sure to check out the rest of his page on Tumblr, as well as the Facebook page.

YOU READ THAT RIGHT.

How many other cultures out there can lay claim to having a hand in the signature look of one of the most well known and beloved movies of all time? Well…perhaps quite a few. Fair enough. But finding out that your own culture was part of that influence? Major geek squee moment.

This is a Tusken Raider.

Nasty looking piece of work. According to the Star Wars wikia, …”Tusken Raiders, less formally referred to as Sand People or simply as Tuskens, were a culture of nomadic, primitive sentients indigenous to Tatooine, where they were often hostile to local settlers.” They don’t speak much English, let alone anything that resembles words, stay on a desert planet while wearing bathrobes, and routinely mess up people’s day in general.

You may remember first seeing them in Star Wars: A New Hope…

Now notice anything familiar about that club the Tusken Raider’s holding? It’s called a Gaderffii.

Of the most interest to this article is the other end of the club. From the Star Wars Wiki: “The opposite end of the gaffi stick usually was bent into an L-shape, with a large and heavy club head tipped by a hook or second spearpoint…”

…

It’s a bloody Fijian War Club!

More concisely, it’s the War Club known as the ‘Totokia’.

This particular club was a mean little thing. While other clubs busied themselves with the business of bashing heads and chopping limbs, the Totokia was primarily concerned with ventilating your skull. Museum Victoria explains that “…these heavy-headed clubs are designed to penetrate the victim’s skull with minimum effort. They were favoured by chiefs, and used predominantly in heavy scrub where the required short swing of the club would not catch on undergrowth.”

How great is that? Fiji’s ancestors and their bloodthirsty ways are the reason why the Tusken Raider’s Gaderffii looks the way it looks today. Apparently the Star Wars design department loved the aesthetics of the Fijian War Clubs so much they tried the Gaderffii idea on three other war club types, before finally (I assume) settling on the Totokia version we now see in the film.

Imagine. Two generations from now, you’ll be sitting on a hovering wheelchair, proudly explaining to your kids that those honking, screaming sand people on Tatooine are brandishing your great x16 grandfather’s war club design. Your eyes will twinkle as you recall the good ol’ days when we used to watch Star Wars on VHS tapes. And how you damn kids got it easy today. Then they’ll wipe their snotty noses and go back to listening to their iPodd that’s implanted in their brains.

Another review of the infamous Totokia club from the Museum of New Zealand is embedded below.

May the force be with you sara.

I’d like to think I’m a respectable rugby fan. I know how rugby works, who’s who in the world rugby rankings, and who to cheer for during the world cup. However, when it comes to a proper, in-depth knowledge of the sport of the oval ball, it’s here where I leave it to our newest writer who’s joined the blog: The Legendary G. A free flowing stream of thoughts, some worth quoting, some not so much, but almost all worth writing down, the residential sports writer has now joined the ranks of Failed Paradise to bequeath us his limitless love, thoughts and know how of Rugby in all its forms and code.

Queue the pompom girls and confetti.

I simply cannot wait.

I was never a big fan of the sevens and although it IS rugby, I know that Fiji’s dominance in the abbreviated code is over. Actually, it’s been over for a long while now.
Therefore, I simply cannot wait for the start of the Super Rugby season.

Most of my mates support NZ and Aus teams and I have to put up with their good-natured ribbing. You see, I have always supported the Stormers. It’s uncommon for a Fijian to support a non-Tasman-Sea team side and I revel in my individuality.

I’ve been a hardcore Stormers fan even from back in the day when they went by their original name, Western Province. The days of lanky Pieter Rossow, solid Bob Skinstad, pacy Breyton Paulse and captain courageous Corne Krige with pretty boy Percy Montgomery. Then a Fijian joined the ranks and my pride in the team. Sireli Naqelevuki broke new ground by being the first (and so far, the only) Fijian rugger to play for a South African side. And then my favourite Bokke crossed over from Pretoria joined the side and I thought that the team had the makings of a champion side. With Bryan Habana joining Messrs de Villiers and Burger in leading the side I felt nothing could compete with the talent and experience that they had.

But as always, those blokes from Christchurch really know how to kill a fan’s spirit. The Crusaders have shown over and over again why they are THE best club side in the world and I doubt in there is any other provincial side in the world that can match them. Sure they lose now and again, but in the grand scheme of things, if you ever wanted to play professional rugby, the Canterbury based franchise would be the best place to hone your craft. The Crusaders outfit exude an air of professionalism and downright heart when they take the field and one would have to certifiable to bet against them in most cases.

In 2012, I have connections to three Fiji boys playing in the competition this year so my loyalties are going to be divided and tested.

My cousin Maritino Nemani is playing his first year at the Chiefs and looks to have a good go this year. However, he will have a lot of competition in order to secure a winger/fullback berth as he has to contend with Declan O’Donnell, Asaeli Tikoirotuma, Robbie Robinson, Tim Nanai-Williams and Lelia Masaga. He has had a steady rise in the ranks after only playing a year of ITM Cup rugby last year and already made it into the Hamilton franchise. There’s a Facebook picture of him attempting to tackle Kurtley Beale during a recent pre-season match. I’m still not sure if Beale succeeded in side-stepping him in that instance. I doubt it.

Tino’s sister is engaged to Henry Speight, the flyer at the Brumbies. This will be Henry’s second year in the top flight and he impressed quite a lot last year in his debut season. Henry started a lot of the matches and even dotted down a few times, his first coming in his second match versus the Melbourne Rebels. He has been a solid contributor to the Brumbies fanchise in 2011 and he will definitely bring it this year.

Another cousin of mine is engaged to Patrick Osborne of the Crusaders. Ricky is also in his first year of Super Rugby and he plays on the wing as well. He’ll have to compete with Zac Guildford, Sean Maitland, Israel Dagg and Tom Marshall for a 11, 14 or 15 jumper. He has a cavalier approach to games and is renown in Fiji for leaving his heart out on the field everytime he steps out. A rugged defender, he hits as fast as he attacks so definitely look out for some big impact from him. I’m expecting him to perform with whatever game-time he gets and heres hoping he brings the pain.
So three wingers in three teams, plus my original team, makes four teams that I have to share the love with this season. But I’ve been so starved for quality rugby action that I am ready to divvy up my attentions in this 20 week rugby extravaganza.

Even though, it’s only days away, I’m just thirsting for some crack rugby!

Fiji doesn’t get coverage of the Heineken Cup, Aviva Premiership, RaboDirect 12 Cup or the Top 14 competition and we have had to make do with Test rugby, sevens, Super Rugby and even NRL. When it’s off-season in the Southern Hemisphere, it really is off season in Fiji and rugby followers have had to go without.

So I say bring on the pain and bring on the reign. Who has what it takes to topple the flamboyant Reds this year? I have a fair idea but I’ll keep them close to my chest as I wouldn’t want to pre-empt any of the teams.

I just hope for some good smash, bash and crash rugby because at the end of the day, rugby is most definitely the winner.

If you’ve been in a minibus, bus or taxi lately, chances are you’ve heard of this song. If not, congrats!

“Rosalina”, by Dj ZinOx ft. Naahu Tribes is a heavily remixed song, or rather I assume it’s heavily remixed going by the synthesized voice and heavy island drumbeats that are reminiscent of dark, dinky nightclubs. A local favourite, especially amongst those with efficiently loud sound systems in their public service vehicles, ‘Rosalina’ has become a grassroots hit, though there seems to be an equal measure of people who are sick of the near infinitely replayed song.

What amazes me is how popular this song has become, without a single comprehensive English sentence in its lyrics, a great example of how borderless music is. Even though it’s sung in pidgin, and my knowledge of Pidgin is about as extensive as my ability to concentrate for more than 5 minutes i.e. zero, a rough translation by a multi-lingual friend (vinaka @wantaslice) spells out a tale of a heartbroken guy who has separated from his girl, yet refuses to let her go. Sounds just like me when it comes to the idea that Fiji was once awesome in sevens rugby.

Watch the video to see what the fuss is all about.

On a side note, you know your song has made it to the hearts of the local populace when you’ve got Rosalina’s name scrawled on the side of a telephone post.

I once heard that if you’re from Fiji but have never tasted grog, then you’re not a true Fijian. Granted I’ve heard the same line used in conjunction with ‘never eaten chinese lolly’, so it may be a tad bit overused.

Having said that, you can’t throw a grog bowl more than 5 meters without hitting someone who has, at the very least, had a taste of the muddy waters of grog. Your cousins drink grog. Your neighbour drinks grog. Heck, even the bus driver stores grog in a juice bottle to keep him going during the more stressful hours of the day (morning and school time). It’s safe to say that almost everyone in Fiji has had some grog, at one time or another.

And you can’t have grog without a little something on the side to get rid of that bitter taste, a side dish affectionately called ‘chaser’. Personal preferences range far and wide, with the more popular choices being mango skin and Coke, to the more adventurous i.e. black tea (true story).

What’s your chaser? We’ve got a poll going on our Facebook page (yes that’s right, we’re on Facebook now) where you can sound off your choice, so check it out. And feel free to add your own personal chaser if it’s not already in the options listed. At the moment it’s a tie between Goat curry, mango skin and Coke. Tasty.

Click here to vote for your favourite chaser.

Now where did I put my half sucked hex lolly…