In Fiji we have many fine and fun traditions, some centered around a practice long lost to the passage of time, and others for no apparent reason than for fun.

Every new year, it is customary for locals in Fiji to wet each other into the new year; whether it be by tossing buckets of water or taking it to the extreme and grabbing the unfortunate victim and tossing them into a large body of water.

To be honest, there may be a proper reason as to the tradition of wetting people, but this article isn’t about history, but rather a quick and simple guide on how to wet someone the proper way in Fiji. While you could always just throw a bucket of water and be done with it, the other, more time honoured tradition dictates are more finesse approach with a better payoff.

Bear in mind though that this guide is specifically for wetting a single person, and not just wetting as many people as possible and having a good go at it.

Step 1: Target sighted

When it comes to wetting people on New Years Day, it bears reminding that you are doing this not to terrify or destroy your enemies with a deluge of hate/water, but rather to reaffirm your friendship and family ties with whoever is on the receiving end of the bucket. To that end, choose people who would share the lighter side of the moment, such as your good neighbour, your cousin who came in from overseas or your aunty who hasn’t seen you for 5 years. There’s also the chance that you can act this out on a potential ‘fix’, someone you want to impress, which works just as fine. Avoid wetting figures of authority, such as the police or the LTA. Unless of course if they’re your relatives of some sort. Or if you want to see the inside of a police station for the first time.

Step 2: A change of Heart. And clothes.

Goodness me, you weren’t expecting to wet the person and leave them all soaked and shivering for the rest of the day now were you? O_o Show them that you can be as caring and good as the next mother teresa by having a sulu ready to cover them (of course the sulu will be theirs, no need for any scrooge inhibitions now). If it’s a guy you’re wetting, get them a T-Shirt. Or if you want, a sulu with their village name screen printed multiple times on the bottom. Just have something ready to give them once the deed has been done.

Step 3: It takes two (or more) to tango.

Throwing water on someone is no easy task, unless you regularly lift buckets of water everyday a.l.a. kung fu movie training scenes. Because this whole operation is based on two crucial points, surprise and getting totally wet, the speed and quantity of which the water is delivered is of upmost importance. To this end, it is normal to request the help of an additional person, as two buckets is wetter than one. It is preferable that your partner in crime also knows the target, so that you can all share the joke in the end. Also, you’re not necessarily restricted to 1 evil helper, the more the merrier. However, more then 3 and it starts to resemble a surprise birthday party event. And we don’t want to give the wrong impression now do we.

Step 4: The Con

Ideally you want to place the target outside, standing still in a spot of your choosing, and preferably not running away from you. Running targets make it oh so difficult to wet, as water as we all know, does not home in on a target. To ensure an stationary target, cook up a story that makes the target wait in a designated spot. It could be anything from ‘hey, you have a phone call from Aunty in NZ, wait here while I get the phone’, to ‘lets play kick ball. I go get the ball.’ Due to the fact that you’ll be playing your prank on New Years Day (or a day or two after that, it’s ok), your target will be VERY suspicious about your story, and you’ll need all your cunning and shrewdness to sell the con. A serious face and a strong denial of anything to do with water should help you, but if the target is skitterish, there’s always Plan B.

Step 5: Execution

With the victim waiting outside (who may be a tad bit nervous), it’s time to bring the whole show to its fitting conclusion. Get your bucket of water, and with proper timing with your cohort, rush out and splash the person as quickly as possible. Appearing from around the corner helps, as surprise is everything. If you know for a fact that your target is going to split at the first sign of anything even remotely related to H2O, Plan B would be the second option i.e. offer to wait with the target while someone else goes and retrieves whatever object that is relevant to your con. This is where your second partner comes in handy. They will rush the person with water and the target will run. That’s where you come in. Immediately grab hold of the target and swing them in the direction of the oncoming bucket of water. Yes you may get wet, but it should be a sacrifice worth making. Of course, ensure that you are physically capable of grabbing said target first, let alone holding them still, as the plan would be up if said target can easily get away due to the fact that he is Mr Fiji.

Step 6: Cleaning Up

After the target is (hopefully) thoroughly wet, laugh with them and wish him/her a Happy New Year. Bring out your sulu/shirt/whatever you planned to give and hand it over, or simply cover them with it, giving them a kiss on the cheek, or a manly hug and a clap on the back, depending on whether it’s to bond with a relative or friend, or impressing said ‘fix’. Once you’re done, choose someone else later on. Rinse and repeat.

Most importantly, have fun, and have a happy new year.

Why yes indeed that is the middle finger!

Bottled Water has over the years gained flack over a range of issues ranging from the marginal difference bottle water is from normal tap water, to the fact that the ecological footprint of every bottled water is more damaging then the so called health benefits it brings. Whatever that means.

So someone is trying to start a meme on Flickr denouncing the evil ways of the bottled water empire and its many subjects, this one being the infamous Fiji Water (with new export only packaging!). The hater on Flickr rants:

“Everything is wrong about this. The message that is it “green in every drop” when it has to be flown halfway around the world, the company will chase you down for saying anything against them, and while the company makes money, most of the island lives in poverty.”

‘…most of the island lives in poverty”? Surely Fiji isn’t as bad as everyone overseas thinks. Just because we don’t have HBO doesn’t mean we’re living in the doldrums. Granted Fiji does have its fair share of poverty, but what country doesn’t? And I don’t necessarily think that some bottled water company named after its host country is going to wave its magic wand and just…make it all disappear.

What do you think?