Archive for category taxi

5 Topics of conversation your taxi driver is most likely to have with you

Posted by Wilson in taxi, weather on April 23, 2009


You’ve caught a ride with them more times then your carpool. You’ve sat in their ride, and paid for their transportation service. Most of the drives are silent and uneventful, with you gazing into the distance while the scenery scrolls on by. Cursory dialogue may include the destination, handing of the fee, and the obligatory thanks (if you’re a really nice person). And then its out the door and into obscurity, the chances of meeting up again pretty low.
Taxis are everywhere, and serve as an important transportation link in our daily lives. If you’ve traveled in a taxi once, you’ve traveled in them all. However, the car doesn’t make the ride. Well. Unless you’re taking the ‘free taxi’ a.k.a. the police van. Rather, it’s the taxi driver who decides whether or not your ride, be it short or road trip, is a memoriable one, via his choice of conversation (should he decide to have one) and topic of discussion.
Now a taxi driver is like a (DAMNITFLYINGCOCKROACHJUMPEDONMYDAMNKEYBOARRRD) barman. They meet all kinds of people. Unlike a barman, a taxi driver doesn’t listen to you, or your problems. Heck, he’s got plenty of his own to worry about, without your tear jerker of a tail about Fiji’s devaluation dollar to think of. Taxi drivers have opinions, stories and if you listen long enough (or if you’re travelling half way around Viti Levu), a moral.
While all taxi drivers are unique in their own right, there are a few common themes of discussion that you’ll notice crop up now and then. Here are the top 5 topics of conversation most likely to come your way in your 5 minute drive:

5) The New Coins

Image source: strangepants.com
This topic will go out of fashion eventually (if you’re still reading this 10 years later and your taxi driver is talking about coins, you’ve won the game), but for now, 9 times out of 10, your driver will mention how funny/wierd/slack/hopeless/set the new coins are. “You have to be careful now aye,” he’ll remark, holding a pile of coins to the light, “you really have to check saraga if the thing 20 cent or 50 cent. They all the same eh?!” At times, they’ll curse at how they’re not used to this whole coin change thing, and other times they’ll marvel at the ingenuity and wonder, “why they never make this before?”.
4) That prostitute

Image source: blogs.pitch.com
Wierd, but given the chance, most taxi drivers will describe having a run in or two with the ladies of the night. And there’s always a story waiting there. “You see that one there?” They’ll point at some obscure lady standing on a street corner in town. “Yeah, that one one pros.” A cheeky hoot of the horn and a shout “Vica?!” (How much?) when you zoom past, with a middle finger is raised towards the laughing driver. “Wooo boy I tell you, that one make plenty money,” a wink, “last week, I been take her and one kaivalagi (caucasian) from Traps to Motel 6. Ha! Tamani action happening there!” a thump on the horn, a grin, and you can probably fill in the gaps. Or, if you’re game enough, ask for details.
3) Job

Image source: www.nuffy.net
Driving a taxi is hard work. Sure, the driver sits in a car all day, ferrying people from A to B. But aside from all that sitting (you try doing that without getting a break and see how your behind likes it), there’s the daily (or weekly) vehicle rent that the boss demands from the driver. Good earnings mean that the boss can be paid and there’s enough for living expenses after. If not, then its back on the road again. “Boy, sometimes business slow, and I don’t have enough to pay the boss for the day. So I have to keep driving, driving, driving till I can get the money to pay the falla,” he’ll sigh, “by that time, I’ll be tired, so I go home. Tomorrow, I hope plenty people catch taxi so I can get better money.” Besides the money, there’s also the safety concerns to be dealt with. Robberies, runaway customers, and drunktards not paying their bill all make driving a taxi anything but a walk in the park. Or drive. One driver commented, “You see this?” He pulled out a screw driver from the side of the car door, “if someone want to grab my neck, I take this and go -” he makes a stabbing motion with the screw driver. “That’s for my own safety boy. Danger out there you know? Have to protect yourself.”
2) LTA

Image source: www.fiji.gov.fj
The very bane of every taxi driver, the Land Transport Authority gets nothing but discontent and all round unhappiness if given the chance to comment on. I have never met a taxi driver who didn’t have something nice to say about them. Of course, that may be just me, but still, that’s got to amount to something. Ranging from comments about money and all its variations of evil, to curses best left unblogged, when it comes to having an opinion about LTA, most taxi drivers have but one. They hates it like Gollum on a ring losing day.
1) Weather
Image source: www.edu.dudley.gov.uk

The classic conversation starter, the topic opener in most generic rides, and well known ice breaker. Usually the driver will wait until you’ve settled in on the ride, and casually toss a remark, “slack weather eh?” To which you have a choice, to either take the bait and open up conversation with him, or grunt and be the anti-social person that you are. “This the hurricane season now,” a wise, almost sage-like nod, “that’s why the weather thing playing up all this time. Rain, sun, rain, sun, sun, rain, thing up and down.” Mostly topics on the weather stay generic and vague, but now and then you get the real weatherman deal. “I tell you boy, this weather, thing because of the global warning.” He’ll wiggle his finger, expertly changing gears in the middle of making his most important point of the day, “It’s all this fires and pollution. Eh? Eh? You see these gang cutting the trees down? That. Affects. Us. All saraga.”
Have you had a conversation with a taxi driver that was worth noting?

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My run-in with the Law and how not to catch a taxi

Posted by Wilson in annoying, police, taxi, travel on April 9, 2009

Image source: TVNZ
Ok this didn’t happen recently, but rather a few years ago, back when I was a tad bit more into grog then I am now (yes..yes I was ) and we’d stay up late nights on the weekends playing guitar and drinking grog.
On this particular night, we had just finished a jam session at around 3 in the morning. I was tired, grog doped, and in need of willful unconsciousness. After farewelling my fellow band members, I walked (read: staggered, struggled, nearly crawled) to the road to catch a taxi home.
Now picture this. Its the weekend. Casual weekend. I’ve been at a friends place for awhile, and all i had were the clothes i brought on my back from home. Which, suffice to say, made me look like i was on my way to the community garden. I was wearing a singlet, brown and slightly tattered t-shirt. My pants was a 3 quarters hand-me-downs, also brown, and torn at the bottom. I had draped my towel over my shoulders. My hair, which hadn’t seen the sharp edge of a pair of scissors in months, was long enough to make me look like a member of a hard rock band that worships Satan on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, and attends mass on a sunday.
I was a sight. You can just imagine. Now, imagine me, looking the way i did, staggering along the road, concentrating on placing one foot in front of the other (left foot forward!….hold…right foot forward!….hold…), and at the same time trying to stop a taxi. In Fiji there is a general rule when it comes to catching taxis. The later the night, the more scary up you look….the less chances there are of catching a taxi. In my case, it was like winning the lottery by dipping a roach in ink and letting it scratch out the numbers itself.
But catch a taxi I did. In fact, by the time i reached the road, the first vehicle to approach me was a taxi. Tonight was my lucky night  I waved at the taxi, and he stopped. As I got in, I took a glance at my would be chauffeur. I couldn’t have picked a more worse driver.
This guy was young, tiny, and obviously a first timer in this parts. He was dressed up to go clubbing, and not to drive a taxi at 3 in the morning. He was of small stature, and nervously gripped the wheel as I dropped my body in the backseat…directly behind him. Now, there is another well known rule about taxis in fiji. The person who sits directly behind you if you’re the driver, is the person most likely to rob you if said person looked thuggish enough. Period. And I just happened to chose that exact spot.
“Where to boss?” he nervously quipped.
Of course, I wasn’t paying attention to all these trouble signals. Hell I just wanted to go home. So, after slamming the door, i glared at him through the rear view mirror, and muttered “Nakasi”.
Big mistake number one was getting in the taxi behind mr driver. Big mistake two was acting like I was bad boy from the streets, and worse, looking the part. Big mistake number three, which was entirely my fault, was to give him a bad look. As we were driving along, I kept noticing how the driver was nervously glancing my way throught the rear view mirror. This got really annoying, to the point where the next time he looked, I looked back at him and scowled. Real smart as I was about to find out.
We eventually came to a policepoint. Nothing special about police checkpoints, since they have them all over the place. This was mainly to catch drunken drivers and…well…just drunken drivers. I don’t think wanted criminals would be stupid enough to drive through one of those checkpoints.
As we approached the checkpoint, I noticed the driver glance at me one more time. Inwardly, I groaned. This guy was really starting to piss me – wait…we were stopping. Why were we stopping? The police guys didn’t wave us down…oh oh.
A single policeman approached the taxi. This time I sat up, shook the grogginess from my eyes, and blinked.
“Why are we stopping driver?” I asked.
He didn’t look back at me this time. Something was definitely up.
“What happen?” asked the policeman as he came on the left side of the car, shining the torch inside.
“Hey boso”, pleaded the driver, while shooting a nervous look back at me, “Can you sit with me as I take this falla?”
“Why”, the policeman replied, “where you taking him?”
“Nakasi.”
While this was going on, it still didn’t ring in my thick skull that I was being held in criminal regard, and that if I didn’t play it right, I could be sleeping on the floor for the night in some police cell.
At this moment, the policeman swung his torch to the back where I was sitting.
“Oi,” he yelled, the gruffness in his voice definitely not portraying the polite police banter i was so used to seeing in the movies.
The torch was shining directly into my eyes, and the effect was quite intimidating. I raised my hand to block out the light, but it turned out that was the wrong thing to do.
“OI!” he yelled again, this time with more effect, “put your hands down!”
Immediately my hands dropped, and I squinted in the harsh light, feeling very very small indeed.
There was a pause as the policeman scrutinzed me. I felt like I was already on the lineup of suspects, the harsh white light, the lines behind the wall, the card I had to hold up which had my identity on it, the voice tests, the -
“Hey, you that falla who always visit your friend near the police post?”
I have a friend who stays near a police post. Every time I pass by, I wave at the officers who know me by face. Usually they’re are sitting down around a bowl of grog, enjoying the slow evening and yarning away. 
Apparently, this policeman was one of the guys posted at that particular area, and had recognized me as a regular visitor to my friends place.
“Trues up! You that falla who always visit your friend near our post eh?” The policeman pointed the torch down and continued with a big smile, “oooh driver this falla set falla saraga. He no problem boy. Just go just go. Falla set.” With that he waved the driver on and gave me a thumbs up.
I sighed with relief at my close (not my first mind you) brush with the authorities. Then it hit me. The bloody driver thought i was going to rob him!
Me? Gentle soul me? Dear Mister blogger who wouldn’t kill a fly (though I did have a habit of catching them when I was small and burning their wings off…hmmm…), let alone even consider attempted robbery. Good lord! The nerve! I couldn’t even throw a punch to hit a person, let alone knock them out enough to run off with something. I mean, the last time I ever punched someone was way back in class 6, and that was over some argument about skipping in line. I’m a good boy! I swear!
…
I had to check with the driver just to make sure.
I tapped the driver on the shoulder as we settled into the drive.
“Driver, do I look like the kind of person who would rob you?”
And without skipping a beat, he looked me straight in the eye and smiled nervously.
“Yes”.
Dammit.

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Its after 1am. Do you know where your taxi is?

Posted by Wilson in festival, taxi, tipsntricks on December 26, 2007

image source: USP website

Its the festive season, and late night clubbing is in full swing. After an evening full of music, dance and saliva exchanging, closing time brings with it a unique challenge that everyone who doesn’t have pre-arranged transport home face.

Catching your very own taxi.

Unlike overseas, where cars are about as affordable as a flat screen television, transport is something of a luxury that the lucky few have access to, the rest of us reduced to mere zombies straggling the side of the road in an attempt to convince any taxi driver that we are the ones worth paying for their now much needed service.

There are a few times in a day when taxi drivers, who number in the hundreds making competition something of a life or death situation, can afford to be picky with who they take on as passengers. During peak shopping hours (the shopper with the most plastic bags is more likely to be staying the furtherest away from town), a little after 5pm (all white collar workers are duly marked and picked), and of course, nightclub closing time.

As with the previously mentioned peak times, taxi drivers take their own sweet time, picking out potentially paying passengers who don’t look like they’ll :

a) Vomit onto the driver’s car floor/gear/brand new speakers.

b) rob you of your hard earned cash, and perhaps stick a screw driver into your side while they’re at it.

c) ask to be taken to their destination, and promptly pass out in the back seat. A search of said passenger’s pockets reveal nothing but billiard tickets and lint.

d) go through a combination of (a) (b) and (c). Nasty.

After reading the above points, it’s painfully obvious what to do to ensure that your chances of stopping a taxi are high. Of course, it doesn’t stop there. There’s quite a few more points to pay attention to. It’s almost an art really.

1) Get out of the Clubs early.

I know, leaving early when the whole scene has hit its peak is like, well, I’ll leave the comparison to you. But exiting before everyone else does have its advantages. Key 3 words of this point? BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE. Its as simple as that. Beat the competition by being first out of the clubs, at anytime before 1am, therefore making it easier for the taxi drivers to pick you and you alone. Let the rest of them fight it over after closing time :)

2) Try not to look like a Drunk Fuck.

I sa drunk saraga!!!!!!11!1!

Hmmm, guess you didn’t take the first point to heart. Oh well, not to worry, you still have a fair chance of catching a taxi – if you sober up abit first. No taxi driver in their right mind is going to stop for someone who’s retching their guts out onto the pavement, though they do make exceptions if said vomitter was a hot chick. However, do note that a taxi driver’s self preservation comes to heart when considering a passenger, and if you’re found to be a total drunk fuck, then consider yourself demoted to ‘yet another transportless douche bag.’

3) Have a girl with you. They help :)

These people have “guaranteed taxi passengers” written all over them.


Generally, stopping taxis involve a number of people, namely you and your friends. You can increase your chances of stopping a taxi if you have a member of the fairer sex by your side (or if you are a girl, then you don’t need to be reading this point since you’ve already got your ride home), since taxi drivers see female companions as a sign that these guys most probably won’t be interested in trouble. Guy(s) + Girl = Safe Passengers! Works like a charm.

4) Move away from the Competition.

You don’t want to be here after the show finishes.


It’s simple really. When you exit the clubs, try moving to a spot that isn’t choked up with other late night patrons. The less people around you, the easier it is to be singled out. Moving towards the source of traffic and away from everyone else is always your best bet for catching a taxi.

Bear in mind that the above pointers are not absolute guarantees that you will have taxis clambering over each other to get to you (unless you’re Paris Hilton), but heeding their wise advice should make it easier on you to obtain a paid ride home.

Of course, there will always be the X-Factor, where, even though you’re as drunk as hell, can’t recall your name, and have little green fairies showing you the way home, miracle of all miracles, some taxi driver will stop his cab and kindly open the door for you. These events do happen, though rarely, and it is best to take advantage of the moment, albit carefully.

Above all, remember to enjoy yourself this upcoming new year and be safe. We need our readers in one piece for the next year. For the Ego boost and all.

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