Rules of Survival: Chinese Cafe

This is the beginning of a series of blog posts (thanks Wilson) about how to identify, act and escape from these places. 

Everybody knows that in Fiji there is a wide variety of food to be had.  And thus, a wide variety of eating places in which to have these foods.  There is the exclusive, i.e. expensive restaurants that cater to the expats and upwardly mobile.  The market stalls, that have the blue collar workers as their clientele; and a host of other eating places that can accommodate across the different socio economic range.  But in this blogpost, I’m going to write about one particular eating place that I’m sure everybody has been to at least once.  And that is the Chinese café.

I’m sure you’ve seen it.  It’s the one with the cash register in front, a glass counter that has packets of cigarettes fighting for space with chewing gum.  There’s a cheerful Chinese person waiting to take your order, ladies moving around the place clearing the tables.  And if you’re can see into the back, you get to see a gentleman dressed in shorts and a vest moving around from pot to wok, making sure to sweat into each and every dish.  That’s the chef. 

Now, first things first.  When waiting in line, be ready with your order ahead of time.  Speak clearly, loudly and for goodness sake, be specific.  Chances are, English is not the first language of the person taking your order. For example, “Curry chicken, rice, large, eat here.”  Keep in mind, there are only two sizes of meals.  You want medium, go buy some sliced bread. And don’t get cute and ask what EXACTLY goes into what you’re ordering.  One time, there was this American that was ahead of me asked if there was any MSG in the red pork and I could almost swear, the guy serving sprinkled some “special salt” (dandruff) onto the plate.   

   Everything is shared. In the Fiji this goes without saying.  But have you ever shared a table with complete strangers.  Note, I wrote table, not meal.  Go to a Chinese café during lunch hour and you’ll find yourself sharing a table with people you’ve never seen before and probably never see again, sharing sugar, salt, and a plate of chili; but not conversation.  Apart from the usual head nod, there is no talking.  I know I know, no conversation over a meal in the Islands?  Surely I jest.  But trust me, asking how fresh the chicken blackbean is, will get you nothing but a blank stare and an unasked question in to how long its been since you escaped from St. Giles (the local nuthut).  And another thing.  If you think making eye contact in the clubs is risky, try doing that with a person who’s no more than a teaspoon length away from you, and your mouth full of fish and chips.  That’ll bring a whole new level of awkwardness to the situation.

You’ve finished your meal and you want to wash your hands.  You make your way over to the sink (we normally just say “tap”), and what do you find.  A sliver of soap that has molded itself onto the sink and can only be removed if you’ve got the strength of Hercules and a piece of ragged cloth that has seen better days in which to dry your hands.  My recommendation, resist urge to see your meal in reverse a.k.a. throw up, suck it up and wash your hands.  You’ve probably already contracted a host of diseases just by walking into the place, might as well add a few more.  Who knows, maybe they’ll cancel each other out.

I know I sound rather harsh about these eating places, but its all love.   What I really like about it, is that nobody thinks twice about sitting among strangers; a free seat is a free seat, no matter who your fellow meal takers are.  And hey, people gotta eat. You want healthy, go munch on some nuts and berries and wash it down with bottled water.  You want filling, then make your way over to the nearest Chinese café.  Trust me.  You won’t regret it…’til later.

There’s a certain barometer to judge the progress of a country’s awareness to pop culture and the like. Inserting ‘lol’ in your conversation, Chuck Norris jokes, hating on Twilight, Jersey Shore quotes, and Star Wars in all its prequel and original glory. While certain points of awareness pass without much fanfare and/or recognition, with the advance of the internet, it’s becoming easier to crow about your achievements to the (online) world.

Flash mobs are a particularly tricky feat. There’s people to organise, a venue to be chosen and scoped out, security to be noted, a crowd to appreciate your antics and not least of all, not having someone crash your carefully rehearsed play.

Vodafone has stepped up and claimed the country’s ‘first’ ever Flash Mob title, if ever there was one, done at the 2nd floor of MHCC in Suva City.

Using what looks like a combination of Zumba dance swings and country step movements, the ‘brought to you by Vodafone’ flash dance squad catches the MHCC food floor crowd by surprise when a girl initially starts the action, prompting worrying glances of ‘Friday Night party rockers still on the loose’. Thankfully when the rest of the mob joined in (albit a bit too quick I reckon, the video does stretch for awhile when the whole group forms up) it became a bit more obvious this was something planned.

Although, if it wasn’t for the ‘VODAFONE!’ screaming at the end with their shirts ripping open to reveal (thankfully) Vodafone shirts, then it could have been a Bollywood movie come alive. Now that’s a proper flash mob.

It’s Hibiscus! Well…2 months ago. Taking to heart the concept of ‘Fiji Time’, here’s a video post (part 1) of the sights and sounds that were experienced at the Hibiscus Festival grounds during that week of fun-filled festive freedom.

Note: I am really terrible at naming parts of the car. I will seek forgiveness from my motorhead friends later.

And here’s the Youtube version:

Behold!

This is a video post. Video posts are like your everyday blog posts, but with actual moving pictures and sound! Granted they won’t appear as often as normal text based posts, but Fiji is full of enough delightful strange things that should hopefully keep video output content to a steady 1 a month. Maybe 2 video posts if I’m lucky.

Our first video post is about a little known ‘hill’ that is well known to many of the Suva people. Mt Korobaba. After being offered a ‘tour’ up by an avid exerciser friend of mine, I decided that both the chance to see the top of the mountain, as well as the prospect of shooting something for the blog was too good an opportunity to pass up.

So, against my better judgement and totally unhealthy physique (with portly stomach) I went huffing and puffing up the mountain with a few friends, a very delightful Canon 5D, and an utter lack of drinking water. Let this be an important lesson for any of you eager to go there yourself: 1 2.5 Litre bottle of water is not enough for one person. Take two bottles. TRUST ME. Nearly had a mini-survivor moment going on there on my way back down when the water finished.

Aside from my severe misjudgement of water rations, I also decided to go barefoot. That’s right folks. I went pato. Up the bloody mountain. Though to be honest, it’s the best way to go up. Because the path is so slippery, you can feel where your feet goes, sure footing that beats having canvas any day. You can file that under personal preference anyways.

So go ahead, give the video a watch. If you’ve got any ideas of what you’d like to see documented next, let us know in the comments.

And yes, the timing of the call from the wife was the real thing, no jokes. I couldn’t have asked for a better ending >_<

Of course, I refer to one who was both a magician as well as one of the greatest, if not the greatest escape artist of time, Harry Houdini. Stuntman, actor, and sported a nice hairstyle to boot. And no, this isn’t a post dedicated to him, but rather about his somewhat curious interaction with Fiji on his travels around the world.

I came across this story while browsing Google Earth’s pics of Suva, Fiji, which Thrashor of Digital Fiji complained were not updated recently. I noticed that there was a yellow dot indicating a link to a story about the area, and clicking it revealed the following:

Whats this? Harry Houdini came to Fiji? Thats right. The infamous escape artist, who’s name is synonymous with handcuffs and seances, really did drop by our sunny shores, enroute to Vancouver, Canada aboard a cruise liner.

According to the blog Houdini reappears, when the liner arrived in Suva, the locals (thats us! >< ) "put on their usual show of diving for coins and catching them in their mouths." Now, this is where it got tricky. Apparently, Harry realized that the locals (thats us! ><) weren’t catching the coins in their mouths at all, but using their hands. Thats when he issued the smackdown. 1 dive against the best diver, hands in rope, and they'd go for separate coins. So some poor Fijian, probably oblivious to Harry's name and fame, "In the water, the Fijian soon gave up, but Houdini freed one hand and grabbed both coins, popping them in his mouth and resurfacing." Well I'll be damned. Not only did Harry visit Fiji, but he ended up making the local divers (thats us...damnit) look like amateurs at their own gig. To put it into todays standard, think of some random asian guy who manages to not only out-run Sir-revi, but does the infamous goose-step along the way. I’d burn houses if I ever saw that happen.

Nobody likes to be shown their limitations, especially if said victor is not a local. I’m surprised the divers, after being shown a big pote (embarrassed infront of everyone else), didn’t just grab Harry and dump him in the nearest lovo pit. Or maybe they just weren’t hungry. That or they were quickly fired on the spot by whichever boss they were serving at the moment.

Moral of the Story?

Don’t accept challenges from anyone with nice hair. Especially tourists with a name that ends in ‘arry’.

Note: Paul of Houdini reappears, upon request from one of our readers, was kind enough to send two page scans from Harold Keller’s 1928 book “Houdini: His Life Story” which goes into detail about the “diving with Harry Houdini” event.

Also, Harry Houdini was kind enough to mention the local firewalkers in his own book, Miracle Mongers and Their Methods.

Enjoy the light reading.

Which is better…Suva or Nadi?

Blog in Fiji tackles this deceptively simple question with their usual humour, ‘straight’ facts and painful but true points.

From the first part of the post:

“First, in the corner to my West, I give you the challenger, weighing in at a population of 10,000 with cows blocking traffic only meters from the center of town and parades that have only one float….Ladies and gentlemen, it’s “Nadi, The Jet Set Townnnnnnn!”

And in the corner to my East, in the smelly ocean trunks, weighing in at a population of over 100,000, with political strife, a bus station that emits true knockout power of black clouds with both hands and a former garbage dump flanked by a cemetery and an ugly container yard on the main road entering the city center, Ladies and Gentleman, I give you SUVA, The City with a Silly Saturday 12 Midnight Curfewwwwww!”

I got to admit, the Saturday 12 Midnight curfew is a real kicker for us suva clubbers

On the same breath though:

“12) The Chicks (for guys) – Suva has way, way more hotter chicks…now don’t be hatin’, it’s just a numbers game. Suva has many more drunk women too (numbers game again)…Suva in a big way!”

Check out the post for a more indepth study on the pros and cons of each city.

And make up your mind.

Are you a Nadi or Suva person?

Well, the Hibiscus Carnival has come and gone. What did I learn from this annual event?

a) The amount of rubbish that magically accumulates on the ground turned mosh pit is the stuff of legends…

b) Getting muddy and dirty from said mosh pit is not so much legendary as more annoying…

c) Watch people watch their money slowly make its way from their wallet to the short guy behind the gambling table

d) Marvel at the amount of bbq stands…and no sandwich stalls ><

e) Go on the rides, enjoy the scenery, then throw up said bbq lunch…

But of course, what do you expect from what could be said to be the biggest carnival of the year, if only the single worth-while event for Suva besides coup-related looting and late night brawls?

School kids were slightly unhappy with a festival that was abit messed up due to the strike a few weeks ago which pushed the festival forward. Thus the kids had to go back to school on a wednesday…with the Hibiscus still going on.

The organisers’ cruelty will not go unpunished.

Of course, since I’m not in school, I couldn’t give two fucks (sorry guys, but you have to move on you know XD ).

So, you’re probably wondering, was this year’s event worth the visit/hassle?

There was only one reason beyond all reason to attend this hibiscus.

You see, the Hibiscus Festival is all about love for your fellow man. And that includes naming rides after famous people who have changed the world and deserve to have a little rocket named after them.

The Hibiscus also has an army training simulator that trains small kids right from the start on the proper techniques of shooting a gun from a plane. Like cowboys. Only cooler.

And they wonder how all the kids grow up so messed in the head.

Moving on, there was a big tent at the corner of the ground that houses stalls which sell quintessential market garbage. While they had the usual $5 clothes selection stalls that seem to be cropping up at any and every excuse for a market, one of the stalls caught my eye.

Thats the Comsol (Fiji) Ltd stall.

…minus their awesome dvd ‘collection’. Once bitten twice shy if I might say…

Ironically, just a few stalls away were these brave bastards who were prepared to take on the wrath of the ‘Ministry for Popular Enlightenment and Propaganda’. I’m guessing there’s a shotgun behind the stall somewhere.

And maybe a button underneath the table that once pressed automatically burns all the dvds in a flash of light and smoke. No evidence, no crime right?

Mind you, $5 a dvd is an utter and complete rip-off. Pity Comsol was content to just sit there and sell no-name electronics.

Signs of economic prosperity and everyone in general making money/business was all around with stalls crowding the tent, and people struggling to buy into the mad cash craze that was hitting the crowd…

Look at that. It sure is happening.

Around the grounds there were alot of great places for you to actively participate and lose your money, chief amongst them the “Gambling Area”.

Apparently the Hibiscus Committee gets a cut of the money earned from the gambling stores and uses it to fund their secret operations of world domination via Hibiscus Queens trained as skilled assassins.

But i digress.

The most popular gambling game is the Table of Death…well to be honest I don’t know what it really is called. Sensationalize ftw .

As it stands it’s pretty simple, and therein lies the addiction element.

All you have to do place money of any amount on any one of the squares. The table owner has a set of dice, each of them having the sides of the dice labeled with one section of the table.

Table owner then jiggles the dice in his cup and smacks it onto the table. If you’ve put money on say the ‘K’ section, and your section shows up on one of the dice, then all the money from the surrounding sections goes to you. If not, then too bad.

Because the game is quick and relatively painless, the money put in is usually as low as 20c. The chances of winning a round is not that bad, though people have been known to be lucky.

These gambling tables are pretty popular, and they never fail to draw a crowd.

I try to stay away from the games though. I’m not comfortable with crying in public.

There was another table that had a huge number of people gathered around it. However, the game was lost on me due to the overwhelming number of numbers and diagrams.

Brownie points for those of you who know the above game.

Other fun activities included dart throwing, rolling a ping pong ball down a certain row to win stuff, and this. ‘Extreme Pani’.

Again, the premises is simple. Purchase up to 3 tennis balls and try to hit all the cans onto the floor. If you manage to get all cans down on the first try, thats $100 right there.

Who could resist a chance at winning $100?!

I could.

He couldn’t.

Annoyingly, a crowd magically appears everytime someone has a go at the game, and so the player feels this intense pressure to perform.

It doesn’t help.

That pretty much was Hibiscus for me. Fortunately, I wasn’t able to attend the Float Display on Saturday, since I pretty much hate anything that’s to do with big trucks and loads of paper deco with a pretty lady balancing on top of all that crap.

Though I don’t mind the free candy they throw into the crowd…

Well, that’s another dilemma for next year

For another viewpoint on the Hibiscus Festival, be sure to check out Blog in Fiji’s post.

Question: How was your Hibiscus Experience this year?

PS: Oh, and before I forget, gratz to the Hibiscus Winner. I’m going to pay close attention to the paper’s eulogy section in the upcoming weeks.