Arrr

When the zompocalypse arrives, staying alive requires supplies, a shotgun and this guy, L.Cass. A PhD at zombiecology (the study of over 9000 ways to kill a zombie), L.Cass is no stranger to all things alternative, strange and just plain wierd. His blog (Zombies in Zen) is a collection of said strange things, drawings, musings, and whatnot. Today, he guest blogs with us, and has something to get off his chest. (Insert zombie moan).

So I read today that one of Fiji’s biggest pirate movie chains is asking the authorities to give them more time to clean out their stock of pirated DVDs, and replace them with new ones.

Their argument is that original DVDs cost too much, and that they need to secure funds to acquire original DVDs to replace their ‘copies.’

I have but one question…

“Whose fault?”

Starting a home video business with a tag line that is “A commitment to quality” and then filling out their 14 branches across Fiji with Pirate DVDs could only have ended one way…

…Badly

What did they expect to happen?

Cause no matter how you may try to defend it, pirating is basically… at the very heart of it… a very naughty thing to do.

It’s cheating.

And like cheating, it’s so easy to do. That is why video pirates came in and literally took over the home video market…

We can’t really blame them though. They saw an opportunity to make money and like any good businessmen, they cashed in on our tolerance for cheating.

In fact, they cashed in on our tolerance for a lot of things.

Do you remember how many times you’ve taken a pirate DVD home and found it to be a cinema copy? What do you do with it? You will either take it back the next time you visit the pirates and ask for a replacement, or you would say to your self “meh… it’s just a dollar” and then toss the DVD into some deep, dark drawer and pretend it never happened.

It is after all only a pirate copy… you’d have to be idiotic to complain to someone about the pirate DVD you bought from them.

“It’s just a dollar.”

Would you throw away a dollar?

We even went as far as acquiring a fancy new set of skills when it came to purchasing said pirate DVDs.

We’d walk into the store and see a movie listed on the wall, and if the movie came out last week… it would have to be a cinema copy.

“Wait… this movie was out a month ago. That should be sufficient time for them to acquire an ‘original copy’.”

Look at all the terms we had to learn.

Now there is an entire generation of youths out there who have never rented a legit movie in their life. The idea of renting is so foreign to them, it’s like we’re talking crazy.

“You want me to bring this movie back? WTF… I just gave you five bucks!”

Pirate DVDs took off… They spread so far and so wide that you couldn’t turn a corner in your neighborhood without walking into a pirate store.

So far the people who seem to be openly suffering from pirates, are the legit retailers. Sure you can argue we are depriving our selves of quality… but if we’re fine with it… why not leave us to it?

I buy originals for DVDs I like.

But I guess it involves the ethics of it…

But we saw what was happening. If anything, this should have been stamped out a long time ago. It’s all very unfair on us… It’s like a bunch of cops watching some guy sell crack to kids and not doing anything about it. Now that we’re all addicted, the authorities are like: ‘Stop buying that crack… here rent this weed’

Wait… I’m loosing the point…

It never really bothered me at a moral level until I watched a good friend of mine close off his legitimate video store.

He had a video store that operated out of Samabula, and it had the maddest collection of movies from the classics to the recent hits. I’d be over there every Friday to grab movies that the pirates wouldn’t copy. That’s one of the many down sides to these pirate outlets; they only stock the recent movies that are popular at the time. Their back catalogue is all but non- existent. But even my friends collection of classic movies didn’t save his shop from going under.

Like other legitimate dealers, these guys spent heaps of money investing in originals, which wasn’t worth it when they couldn’t recover the cost…

Because sadly it’s just so much easier to forego renting a movie, and to simply buy it… watch it… and then make a huge pile of cheap DVDs behind our DVD player.

But is there hope for us?

Can we switch back to renting? Can we pump out the pirate venom from our movie hungry brains?

Well… to put it bluntly: We’d better.

I’m sure the change won’t be too harsh if the legitimate suppliers make it worth our while. A decent costing of DVD rentals would be a start. I like the good old days when I’d rent a movie for a dollar if it’s an old flick or two dollars if it’s brand new. I could live with that.

Paying five bucks for a three night rental would be something I’d have to get used to. But I only feel this way because currently I have cheaper alternatives… Once the pirates are out of the picture, I’m sure we’ll have lines of people bitching and moaning on their way to the legitimate video store.

No more going home with 50 different movies you don’t know shit about. Now people we have to get back to carefully selecting their evening viewing. No more drawers full of those damn plastic DVD covers. No more ‘four for one dollar’ deals.

Look out for ‘over due fines’ and penalties for scratched disks.

It will be a painful process, but like all bad habits; we’ll soon overcome it.

I hope.

More interesting dialogue/stories/muses to come

While it has been around for awhile, I’ve decided to bring to attention those who aren’t aware of this new coke can, and point out just how annoyingly annoying the new addition to our diet is.

May I present, Fiji’s Fail Coke Can.

Initial impressions don’t yield that much. The coke can is your average 33oml can, with the traditional red and swirly hand-writing font we’ve all come to know (and even love) taking up one side. All in all, a pretty standard can to call our own.

That is, until you rotate the can around.

And you’re greeted by the sight of this new slogan “The Coke Side of Fiji”, as well as seeing the strangest thing that adorns the can. A Casper-ish hand pops out of the coke bottle artwork, holding a – wait – is that a Hang Loose sign?

Yes it is. And below the hand gesture is the infamous “Bula” word, with a tick next to it.

What. The. Hell. Is. Going on?

First off, the casper hang loose hand. If I recall, that sign is more commonly associated with surfers and their “chill out dude” attitude, as well as the use of the gesture. To be sure, I turned to good ol’ Wikipedia, and found out that I was right. Oh, but there’s more. Much more.

Aside from the fact that it is a hand gesture used by surfers, it is primarily a sign first and foremost used by Hawaiians, as well as associated not only with surfing, but other ‘beach’ sports such as “…kitesurfing, skateboarding, skimboarding, snowboarding and Skydiving.” Now for anyone who was born and bred in Fiji, the one thing they will agree with for sure is that Surfing isn’t a local thing. Granted, in Hawaii, it’s the national sport, but in Fiji, its either rugby or nothing at all. Surfing is usually taken up by either tourists, ex-pats, and a small number of dedicated fanatics. By placing a hand gesture that is (generally) familiar to only those within the “extreme beach sports” circles, Coca-cola is effectively saying that:

a) all Fijians (both indigenous and passport wise) surf, and therefore know and identify with said hand gesture.

or

b) because Fijians are mostly a bunch of ignorant fools who have not experienced the near orgasmic pleasure derived from riding mother nature’s curves, Coca-cola is taking on the responsibility of educating the masses on the joys of surfing, and subsequently, the hang loose sign.

Moving on, we’ve got the word “Bula” tacked on near the bottom of the can.

And where do we begin with this one…

“Bula” is Fiji’s greeting phrase, and is usually marketed as the word to be associated with Fiji overseas. So when FVB advertises to the masses in the 1st world countries, “Bula” is used to both say ‘hello’ and sell the travel package at the same time. Very efficient if I may say so myself. Its come to a stage though, that using the word “Bula” with a name or title, is starting to wear thin, wearing out its welcome mat. Now, when it comes to marketing, the use of the word automatically means that its:

a) Made in Fiji, for Fiji. Eg. “Bula-Loan!” Of course, the only thing made in this case is the huge debt if you’re not careful. Smiles not included.

b) A product that is marketed overseas, and needs that ‘Fiji’ touch to make it complete. “Fiji Prawns!” … “Bula!” See what I mean?

The same can be said for the coke can. I can almost imagine how the design came about…

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: Here’s the design for the new local coke ca -

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: No no no that isn’t going to work. Throw away the pretty frills and what not. We need more oomph. Something that says – This is your cool can of coke, Fiji. Take it. Own it! Make it your own! Make sweet love to it! It is yours for the taking!

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: …

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: Let’s put a chill out sign that those fancy surfers and all locals make when they’re doing their thing. Yeah. That ought to make it cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: Uhh I don’t surf -

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: I don’t care. It looks cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: (shrugs)

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: Oh. And put “Bula” at the bottom somewhere. We have to emphasize the whole “Fiji” thing to the locals.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: Hmmm, thats abit silly don’t you think? I mean you don’t see “G’DAY!” on any of the australian coke cans do you?

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: I don’t care. It looks cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: (shrugs)

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: Thats right. Now we’re talking. Oh, and put a tick besides Bula. Yep. Thats to show the locals that yes, this. Is. Correct.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: What is correct?

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: I don’t know…but it looks cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: (sigh)

I give up.

PS: According to Wikipedia, in India and Venezuela, the shaka (hang loose) sign is used colloquially as a reference to sexual intercourse, and the hand may be moved in the direction of the pinky finger, as to mimic penetration.

First off, the Fiji Council’s annual FAME Awards. The awards are all about media excellence, with recognition in all fields of media. However, their tagline for the advert really irks me to no end.

After explaining what the Awards is all about, the tagline pops up:

“Can You Feel It?”

“Can You Taste It?”

I mean, seriously. Whats up with the whole ‘taste and feel’ perspective? Sure the advert is all about the Awards, and perhaps they’re trying to come from the victory point of view, but somehow, it doesn’t quite translate well after the Voice Over goes over the details of the competition only to end with the “taste and feel” tagline.

The whole ad comes across as seriously tacky. Whoever came up with that tagline ought to be shot. Twice.

The second tv ad thats successfully made my eyes twitch is an ad for a clothes washing detergent as well as an advocate for strippers everywhere. Ok I bluff on the last bit.

In this ad, people are taking off their tops (:O) but stop when the shirt reaches their face. Something to do with how fresh their clothes smell after using the washing detergent. Honestly, I would have preferred a chick doing a rock concert ‘bare all’, since that would have most definitely sold the product (but garnered protest marches from the methodist) and get everyone’s attention. Instead, we’re greeted with a close up shot of a guy’s fat stomach.

Similar to the picture above, minus the lovely tattoo, the shot had some guy’s stomach wiggling infront of the camera, and boy was that gut a sight for sore eyes. I’m guessing that guy is a grog champ. Only a stomach of that magnitude could live on with the help of kava, and lord knows how many sessions its been through.

So you can imagine. Every night, when I plump myself infront of the television, expecting to relax after a long tiring day at work, only to be greeted by the above image. Every single time that ad comes on I resist the urge to stick a buffy stake through my eyes. And then the FAME awards ad plays, and instead of my eyes, I attempt to shove the stake through my ears.

Fun times with the local tv station.

Here’s hoping that the introduction of more tv channels will at least broaden our choices of what poison we choose to behold.