Rules of Survival: Chinese Cafe

This is the beginning of a series of blog posts (thanks Wilson) about how to identify, act and escape from these places. 

Everybody knows that in Fiji there is a wide variety of food to be had.  And thus, a wide variety of eating places in which to have these foods.  There is the exclusive, i.e. expensive restaurants that cater to the expats and upwardly mobile.  The market stalls, that have the blue collar workers as their clientele; and a host of other eating places that can accommodate across the different socio economic range.  But in this blogpost, I’m going to write about one particular eating place that I’m sure everybody has been to at least once.  And that is the Chinese café.

I’m sure you’ve seen it.  It’s the one with the cash register in front, a glass counter that has packets of cigarettes fighting for space with chewing gum.  There’s a cheerful Chinese person waiting to take your order, ladies moving around the place clearing the tables.  And if you’re can see into the back, you get to see a gentleman dressed in shorts and a vest moving around from pot to wok, making sure to sweat into each and every dish.  That’s the chef. 

Now, first things first.  When waiting in line, be ready with your order ahead of time.  Speak clearly, loudly and for goodness sake, be specific.  Chances are, English is not the first language of the person taking your order. For example, “Curry chicken, rice, large, eat here.”  Keep in mind, there are only two sizes of meals.  You want medium, go buy some sliced bread. And don’t get cute and ask what EXACTLY goes into what you’re ordering.  One time, there was this American that was ahead of me asked if there was any MSG in the red pork and I could almost swear, the guy serving sprinkled some “special salt” (dandruff) onto the plate.   

   Everything is shared. In the Fiji this goes without saying.  But have you ever shared a table with complete strangers.  Note, I wrote table, not meal.  Go to a Chinese café during lunch hour and you’ll find yourself sharing a table with people you’ve never seen before and probably never see again, sharing sugar, salt, and a plate of chili; but not conversation.  Apart from the usual head nod, there is no talking.  I know I know, no conversation over a meal in the Islands?  Surely I jest.  But trust me, asking how fresh the chicken blackbean is, will get you nothing but a blank stare and an unasked question in to how long its been since you escaped from St. Giles (the local nuthut).  And another thing.  If you think making eye contact in the clubs is risky, try doing that with a person who’s no more than a teaspoon length away from you, and your mouth full of fish and chips.  That’ll bring a whole new level of awkwardness to the situation.

You’ve finished your meal and you want to wash your hands.  You make your way over to the sink (we normally just say “tap”), and what do you find.  A sliver of soap that has molded itself onto the sink and can only be removed if you’ve got the strength of Hercules and a piece of ragged cloth that has seen better days in which to dry your hands.  My recommendation, resist urge to see your meal in reverse a.k.a. throw up, suck it up and wash your hands.  You’ve probably already contracted a host of diseases just by walking into the place, might as well add a few more.  Who knows, maybe they’ll cancel each other out.

I know I sound rather harsh about these eating places, but its all love.   What I really like about it, is that nobody thinks twice about sitting among strangers; a free seat is a free seat, no matter who your fellow meal takers are.  And hey, people gotta eat. You want healthy, go munch on some nuts and berries and wash it down with bottled water.  You want filling, then make your way over to the nearest Chinese café.  Trust me.  You won’t regret it…’til later.

Failed Paradise is a silly little blog, we admit that. We don’t pretend to be all high brow about our deep, sometimes frightening knowledge of Fiji. For all our writings, jokes, spotlights on issues that won’t actually help humanity in any other way then to make you shake your head, we’re actually really ordinary. Straight 9 to 5 slaves to the mighty clock of society, the guy at the party with an average outook on life, who cbf’ed about Philosophy and all its intricate meanings, but would rather just find a good spot besides the keg and have a good time. Heck, even now, there’s only 1 person posting on this blog, so the use of ‘we’ was just a lazy way of sounding like we’re a newsroom and/or impress the ladies in the room. Yes. All 2 of you.

Well, today, we can actually refer to ourselves as ‘we’, without keeping the lie to repeat at the confession booth. Daniel will be joining ‘our’ ranks, a friend who weaseled his way into writing for blog by offering me free jugs for a month and a signed photo of the Vude Queen herself, Laisa Vulakoro. I said yes, mostly out of fear of getting the shit kicked out of me. He can be quite the persuasive guy.

Far be it for me to defend my Pacific family and our many failings, but I just don’t see what the BIG deal is about our alleged lack of work ethic.  For the record, we’re not lazy, we just don’t place that high a priority on getting things done.  And as for “Island Time”, we‘re simply not slaves to the clock is all.  Not that effort and punctuality is doing everybody else around the world any good (failing economies, strikes, revolutions).  Everyone is just far too stressed.

We do however have something in massive quantities that the world seems to be lacking these days.  And that is common courtesy.  In the Islands, no woman stands in the bus while there is a man sitting, meals/drinks are offered to guests even if all you have to offer is water and a biscuit and if a car is broken down, total strangers come out of nowhere to offer a helping hand. 

That said, there are times when circumstances force you to be abrupt.  Here is such a situation.  You’re in town and you have to get to the supermarket before it closes.  You see a distant cousin across the street.  Now instinct kicks in; you have to cross the street, shake hands and have a looooong meaningful conversation about family, sports and the meaning of life.  But you know that if you do so, the supermarket is going to be closed, and the people at home expecting the groceries are going to take it out on you, one way or another.  So what do you do; do you simply ignore your cousin who’re not really that close to, or do you risk him becoming offended, and become the main topic of conversation and mean looks at the next family get together?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the H.I.T. Maneuver.  H.I.T. stands for Hand Index Thumb. It is quite simply, a series of hand motions that while satisfying the barest minimum amount of civility without causing offense; it also prevents you from being bogged down with unnecessary/unwanted conversation.  Each step comes with its own translation on what the move is meant to mean.

Directions are as follows:

Step 1

After making eye contact, extend hand (H), with ALL fingers extended, and wave towards person in question. Smiling is optional but recommended.

Translation: Hello there.  I am acknowledging your presence.  Unfortunately, circumstances prohibit me from coming over towards you and engaging in conversation.

Step 2

Indicate with Index(I) finger extended the direction in which you are going.

Translation: I will be proceeding on this route.  It really is too bad that you are going in the opposite direction.  Sincerity (even faked) is recommended.

Step 3

Make a fist and extend Thumb(T) only, in an approving motion.

Translation: Thank you very much for your understanding and I sincerely hope we can meet again in less hurried circumstances.  Have a good day.

Note: Waiting between each step for the other person’s response is considered good form and it doesn’t make you look like you suffer from epilepsy of the hand.

And there you have it, a quick and easy fix to a socially disastrous situation.  We don’t have much, but that just means, we don’t have much to lose.  All in all, for us, courtesy is the height of civilization and we’re okay with that.

So. Come November 29, Fiji’s getting Dailylight saving.

Hmmm. Not too sure what to make of this. There is much debate on the pros and cons of daylight saving, and how it will affect people’s everday living. Personally, I’m still trying to recall how it affected me back in the late 90s (when was the exact year?) when the government had implemented the same decree. I guess the fact that I can’t quite remember means that it didn’t really cause strife in my daily routine. Of course, I was in college, so aside from study hours being slightly skewed (who am I kidding, what study?), there wasn’t much cause for concern.

These days however, as part of the working force, the outlook may be different compared to my (relatively) easy going days as a college student. Getting up early in the morning means waking up to a strange skyline which (I assume for most people who get up early) by normal hours, should already have the slight tints of dawn. And then there’s the added confusion in the first few days after the magic flash fast forward date, where people will be late for dental appointments, AA meetings and after school beatings all because someone forgot to adjust their time. Factor in most people’s fondness for “Fiji Time”, and you’ve got deadlines that fail at their jobs and rather turn into simple notes in the email your boss sent you about that report you were meant to send 2 hours ago. The boss’s wrath however, will be pretty much on time.

So I’m curious. What do you people think of Fiji’s daylight saving move? Do you think we could benefit from this ‘spring forward’ both economically (Fiji Islands Hotel and Tourism Association president Dixon Seeto says, “more light, more tourists, more money!”)* as well as peace of mind (Fiji Islands Hotel and Tourism Association president Dixon Seeto says, “more light, less robbers, more happy!”)*? Or are you miffed that – holy crap I just came across an article stating that Daylight saving can affect your health and wellbeing. Hmph. I guess that’s a pretty big argument against the whole deal.

There’s a poll! Let us know whether or not you’re with this whole get up an hour early deal or not. And post in the comments if you feel the need to vent/troll/hate/spam.

Via Facebook comes this handy checklist to see if you know you’re fijian. Here’s a few pointers, and if you raise your eye brows and say “Trues up”, then you know you’re it

1) Your parents talk soo damn loud on the phone..but yet they dont realize it.

2) You been to a lovo in some1′s backyard.

3) You see someone you know more than 10 feet away, rather than just waving, or nodding, you yell “OYE!” at the top of your lungs.

4) You go out to a birthday party/function in your nice Bula Dress/Shirt and your Flip Flops. (Guilty as charged)

5) You watch re-runs of past Rugby Sevens tournaments.

The list is quite long, and I found myself nodding my head in amazement. I mean, when you use “Off the light” as part of your vocab for god knows how long, it’s only when it’s pointed out that the english isn’t quite correct then do you realize how funny it is. Have a go yourself. You will be pleasantly surprised.

Smiley kid ca saraga

Remember when you were a kid?

The good ol’ days when you didn’t give two cents about what other people thought of the hole in your shirt, when cartoons in the afternoon were the most looked forward to hours aside from school lunch hour and visits to the shop with 10 whole cents, when you were convinced that your current group of friends were going to be with you forever, when you absolutely knew your class teacher was either the bestest best teacher ever, or was most certainly the cruelest demon ever to walk the earth unchallenged by demon hunting heroes that you gleaned off from the comics that you swiped off your neighbour?

I recently had a run-in with nostalgia a few days ago, when, during a lunch session with a few of my workmates, I happen to come across a popular, I’m not quite sure how to describe this, but for the moment I’ll settle for ‘silly kids poem’.

The chance conversation centred around who was going where, when someone said, “Where you gang all going?”

“Suva,” was the reply.

At that moment, most probably without thinking, my fijian workmate, his eyes lit with that familiar glow of Deja Vu, launched into a tirade of sentences that started one after the other, each sentence continuing on the previous statement with a question, and weaved its way through a jumble of nonsense that culminated in the arrival to the very word that set off the whole verbal fiasco. Suva.

For the sake of keeping nostalgia alive, and for future reference, here is the poem in its entirety. This poem works as a back and forth between two people, and almost always starts off with the conversation having had the word “Suva” mentioned. Note that while this is the version that I heard and am familiar with, you may have a slightly different version in your head, or maybe not.

To start off, someone has to start with the opener:

Fire vei? (Where are you going?)

Suva

Suva cava? (cava – what?)

Suva City

City cava?

Sitiveni (english name for steven)

Veni cava?

Venikau (pencil? Not too sure on this word)

Kau cava?

Kau Ba

Ba cava?

Barewa (uro)

Rewa cava?

Rewa Daily

Daily cava?

Daily Post

Post cava?

Post Fiji

Fiji cava?

Fiji Times

Times cava?

Times 2

2 cava?

2  SUVA!

If you were a child of the 70s, 80s or even 90s, tell me you didn’t just read that and not feel a pang of nostalgia creep up to the corner of your eyes. If not, it’s never too late to start learning it

While it has been around for awhile, I’ve decided to bring to attention those who aren’t aware of this new coke can, and point out just how annoyingly annoying the new addition to our diet is.

May I present, Fiji’s Fail Coke Can.

Initial impressions don’t yield that much. The coke can is your average 33oml can, with the traditional red and swirly hand-writing font we’ve all come to know (and even love) taking up one side. All in all, a pretty standard can to call our own.

That is, until you rotate the can around.

And you’re greeted by the sight of this new slogan “The Coke Side of Fiji”, as well as seeing the strangest thing that adorns the can. A Casper-ish hand pops out of the coke bottle artwork, holding a – wait – is that a Hang Loose sign?

Yes it is. And below the hand gesture is the infamous “Bula” word, with a tick next to it.

What. The. Hell. Is. Going on?

First off, the casper hang loose hand. If I recall, that sign is more commonly associated with surfers and their “chill out dude” attitude, as well as the use of the gesture. To be sure, I turned to good ol’ Wikipedia, and found out that I was right. Oh, but there’s more. Much more.

Aside from the fact that it is a hand gesture used by surfers, it is primarily a sign first and foremost used by Hawaiians, as well as associated not only with surfing, but other ‘beach’ sports such as “…kitesurfing, skateboarding, skimboarding, snowboarding and Skydiving.” Now for anyone who was born and bred in Fiji, the one thing they will agree with for sure is that Surfing isn’t a local thing. Granted, in Hawaii, it’s the national sport, but in Fiji, its either rugby or nothing at all. Surfing is usually taken up by either tourists, ex-pats, and a small number of dedicated fanatics. By placing a hand gesture that is (generally) familiar to only those within the “extreme beach sports” circles, Coca-cola is effectively saying that:

a) all Fijians (both indigenous and passport wise) surf, and therefore know and identify with said hand gesture.

or

b) because Fijians are mostly a bunch of ignorant fools who have not experienced the near orgasmic pleasure derived from riding mother nature’s curves, Coca-cola is taking on the responsibility of educating the masses on the joys of surfing, and subsequently, the hang loose sign.

Moving on, we’ve got the word “Bula” tacked on near the bottom of the can.

And where do we begin with this one…

“Bula” is Fiji’s greeting phrase, and is usually marketed as the word to be associated with Fiji overseas. So when FVB advertises to the masses in the 1st world countries, “Bula” is used to both say ‘hello’ and sell the travel package at the same time. Very efficient if I may say so myself. Its come to a stage though, that using the word “Bula” with a name or title, is starting to wear thin, wearing out its welcome mat. Now, when it comes to marketing, the use of the word automatically means that its:

a) Made in Fiji, for Fiji. Eg. “Bula-Loan!” Of course, the only thing made in this case is the huge debt if you’re not careful. Smiles not included.

b) A product that is marketed overseas, and needs that ‘Fiji’ touch to make it complete. “Fiji Prawns!” … “Bula!” See what I mean?

The same can be said for the coke can. I can almost imagine how the design came about…

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: Here’s the design for the new local coke ca -

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: No no no that isn’t going to work. Throw away the pretty frills and what not. We need more oomph. Something that says – This is your cool can of coke, Fiji. Take it. Own it! Make it your own! Make sweet love to it! It is yours for the taking!

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: …

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: Let’s put a chill out sign that those fancy surfers and all locals make when they’re doing their thing. Yeah. That ought to make it cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: Uhh I don’t surf -

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: I don’t care. It looks cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: (shrugs)

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: Oh. And put “Bula” at the bottom somewhere. We have to emphasize the whole “Fiji” thing to the locals.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: Hmmm, thats abit silly don’t you think? I mean you don’t see “G’DAY!” on any of the australian coke cans do you?

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: I don’t care. It looks cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: (shrugs)

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: Thats right. Now we’re talking. Oh, and put a tick besides Bula. Yep. Thats to show the locals that yes, this. Is. Correct.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: What is correct?

[Stuffy Salesman from Coca-cola]: I don’t know…but it looks cool.

[Graphic Designer for coke can]: (sigh)

I give up.

PS: According to Wikipedia, in India and Venezuela, the shaka (hang loose) sign is used colloquially as a reference to sexual intercourse, and the hand may be moved in the direction of the pinky finger, as to mimic penetration.

The latest in Fiji footwear fashion. I present to you the wrong sizes.
Warning: Viewing the enlarged (disgusting) image may cause
Nausea and Loss of Appetite

I guess it’s time to visit the shoe shop for another cheap pair of flip-flops. As for now, I’m content with going pato, which is local speak for barefoot.

What can I say, Fiji Time certainly has its nefarious grip on us all. Tourists and all.

I would be wrong in saying that December has been a quiet month, since the number of posts has slowed down to a crawl. Quite the opposite in-fact. While work has been keeping me on my toes and away from slumberland, stuff’s being a-happening here in Fiji …

1) Digital Fiji pointed out that the eye in the sky NORAD has tracked Santa flying over Fiji. I guess the fact that me not receiving my Christmas wish list in the mailbox means that I wasn’t as good a boy as I had previously thought.

2) The Fiji Times is going to continue slave-driving/printing their paper into Christmas day! A tradition that was kept for 138 years will be broken due to promises of appearing on Santa’s good list for anyone working overtime. I wish I worked there.

3) Fiji had a hurricane. Viti Levu is spared the bedlam because of the opening of the new MHCC in the capital. Vanua Levu applies for a Wal Mart license.

4) The Methodist Church in Labasa bans kava and smoking during this festive season. Babasiga notes that after Christmas, it’s back to ‘normal’. Indeed.

5) I made a post awhile ago about how a local blog war is sure to start up, with the outcome pretty much predictable. Well, it looks like one is starting up, and with this particular tension, company reputation is at stake. Oceanic gets the ball rolling against fellow competitor Webmedia in an open letter over taking someone else’s work and “…passed it off as your own…” This is going to be interesting…

So, it is with slow and deliberately clumsy fingers on the keyboard that I wish you all, a very merry Christmas, and here’s hoping that you’ll stave off the effects of alcohol to make it to the new year celebration.

How’s your Christmas going so far?