One of these gang is not like the other…

That’s right folks. That is none other then the rapper himself, Lil Wayne, posing with hotel staff of a local hotel here in deepest farthest Fiji.

When Lil Wayne tweeted his intention of touring the Southern Hemisphere, it was a huge surprise when Fiji was announced as squarely in his sights.

And he was touring with Eminem? It was almost too good to be true. However the somewhat vague nature of the tweet, as well as a lack of additional touring information regarding Fiji, meant that Fiji was probably filed under ‘stopping over for a spot of sun and beaches.’

After what seemed like a quiet few weeks post-announcement, a photo surfaced on Facebook. Shock! Amazement! He actually did drop by, even if was somewhat of a quiet event. All celebrities are in need of a little R ‘n’ R, and Lil Wayne is no different.

However, if he thought that Fiji was merely a stopover, then he is definitely missing out on a golden opportunity to have a little unorthodox fun. Here are 5 things that Lil Wayne should have done while in Fiji:

1) Grog

There’s a strong probability that he has already tried this, and to whoever was the lucky person who served him the first taki, onz. In my head, all celebrities, after passing the passport checkpoint, must partake in at least one bowl of grog, as a mix between pleasing the locals and being able to boast to their friends back at home, ‘I’ve partaken in third world tribal culture!’ For some strange reason, picturing rapper Weezy taking time out of his busy schedule to have a sip of the local juice strikes me as funny, though I’m not too sure why. Maybe it’s because grog is considerably the most un-gangsta juice out there. However, considering the fact that he loves his Fiji Water, kava drunk on the very same shores where Fiji Water is made may be the ultimate trip for him.

2) Get a pic on the beach for his next album cover

Nothing says ‘well traveled gentleman’ better than an album cover which features the white sandy beaches that Fiji is renowned for. Sure it’s not exactly the most gansta of album covers, but consider this: how many rappers out there actually have a beach of any sort on their cover? How many can lay claim to the fact that not only have they been to said beach, but actually went through all the effort to bring their own couch all the way from their childhood home, right onto the calming sounds of the pacific ocean washing up onto a picture perfect shoreline? Not many, if any. As an added bonus, Tourism Fiji could get in on the act, with billboards advertising how much street cred Fiji has, now that there’s an album with their beach featured prominently on the cover. “It’s Paradise Bitches” is a real winner. Perhaps “It’s Paradise Bocis” for the local market, but that is still being focus group tested.

3) Get mentioned in the papers for their violent swear-filled lyrics

Aaahh the ol’ controversy mill. Guaranteed to sell you papers, and at the very least, please your bible-thumping parents, controversy over anything and everything pop culture related is the knee jerk response some locals love to bring out whenever confronted with something ‘new’. The last time the Fiji media ‘highlighted’ a performer’s ‘suicidal lyrics’, poor Sean Kingston had to defend himself while simultaneously trying to look cool.

Of course, should Lil Wayne ever come under the same fire as Sean Kingston did, the ‘looking cool’ part would be automatically taken care of. As to his defense about lyrics being ‘lewd, explicit and suggestive’?

‘I don’t even know how to rap’.

Sounds legit.

4) Make a song with Laisa Vulikoro

Everyone knows Laisa Vulakoro. Here, she even has her own wikipedia page. Known locally as the Vude Queen, and somewhat less fondly as the singer for that brain aneurysm-inducing jingle ‘Suncourt! Aha! Aha aha!’, she has performed far and wide, proudly taking Fiji to distant shores with her vude music. According to her Wikipedia page, she has performed with Jimmy Barnes of Cold Chisel, a momentous occassion in itself, but one that would pale in comparison to the prospect of doing a R&B single with none other than Time’s ‘Best Rapper Alive’, Lil Wayne? Imagine the possibilities. A Vude-HipHop collab, the first of its kind in Fiji, or even the Pacific. Possible song titles could be ‘Never Get Enuf’ of dat Taki’, ‘Isa Noqu Bu’ and ‘Au Mili’.

5) Perform at a nightclub. Preferably Whistling Duck.

Most aspiring musicians go through hell to get their craft out there. Starting out in crappy, cramp, damp, badly lit clubs and bars, with patrons that’ll guarantee your daily diet of broken bottles and last nights leftovers, it’s the lowest of the low in terms of performance venues. But, as they say, ‘steel is forged from fire’, and (hopefully) from here you can only go up. By experiencing the worst humanity has to offer, you’ll be able to take anything that life throws at you later on. And in Fiji, no other bar has a reputation as low, or as scary, as Whistling Duck. Situated at the edge of Civilisation, Nausori’s claim to booze, brawls and caged DJs lies within Whistling Duck’s oft tested walls. And here is where Lil Wayne could test his steely resolve. Not only will he have to deal with an unruly crowd of village proportions, but he’d have to win the masses who are used to shallow remixes of vude/hip hop mash-ups. Sure, he’s proved he’s the man. But it wouldn’t hurt to engage in a little edgy venue now and then.

Just a normal day at the office

I love the show Fresh TV. Granted I don’t stay in New Zealand, so whatever snippets of the show I can watch are from Youtube rips, but the opportunity to watch Island humour in all its ‘beudy’ on air is something to behold.

While I await, perhaps in vain, for a local show of similiar love, Fresh TV’s ‘Know Your Roots’ section, a retelling of common legends found amongst the Pacific Islands, has done a segment on the Firewalkers of Beqa, Fiji and how they got their magical abilities to walk on white hot lovo stones unharmed.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Fresh retelling without Fresh TV’s own humorous input, which either hinder or enhance the story, depending on your taste in Island humour.

Welcome to 2012!

A new year, a new set of resolutions that may or may not be forgotten a month in, a fresh start, it’s tabula rasa all over again.

And what better way to herald in the new year than jamming to the groovy tunes of O-Shen and his single ‘Country Boy’.

Locals will recognise many of the scenes shot in the video, as O-Shen takes a stroll through them singing lyrics that echo much sentiments amongst Pacific Islanders here and abroad.

/shrug

It’s Fabio. He mentions Fiji. There’s an ukulele and a floating coconut.

What can I say. It’s the Christmas holidays.

Initially, I thought Alphamama was a girl group. Silly me. She’s a solo artist who comes from the Australian music scene. Having performed everywhere from the Opera House to our very own Traps bar, she’s definitely on the rise to greater things.

Her latest release and quite the catchy tune “Crazy Sexy Cool” is accompanied by a music video shot in Fiji. Shot by locals Jason Chute and Damian Light (Damian also did the camera work for Envy, he’s quite the talented bastard), it’s a great video that certainly highlights the things we all love about Fiji. Especially the bus.

The real kicker for this video though is, in certain shots where Alphamama sings to the camera, there’s this fijian guy dancing in the background.

…IT’S THE JAH FROM RA!

Not really. But close.

Hello December!

It’s time to celebrate the close of the old year, and welcome the beginning of the end of the world. And what better way to do that then with the thunderous sounds of the home-made bamboo gun.

There’s a certain science involved in getting a bamboo gun to work. I, however, will not bore you with that today. Instead, here is a video of someone else’s misfortune at the expense of one locally grown bamboo gun.

Watching the man react in shock to the explosion reminds me a bit of this:

Uro (Fijian): Slang; Title used to describe a sexy person.

Uro Club: A group of sexy people who hang out together; The top of the social ladder; In a high school movie, these people would consist of the football team and the cheerleading squad; Potential politicians, trophy wives and BP Oil Spillers; The 1%. (Note: There actually is no Uro Club – Ed)

(Golf) Uro Club: I don’t play Golf. I’m so confused…

It’s Hibiscus! Well…2 months ago. Taking to heart the concept of ‘Fiji Time’, here’s a video post (part 1) of the sights and sounds that were experienced at the Hibiscus Festival grounds during that week of fun-filled festive freedom.

Note: I am really terrible at naming parts of the car. I will seek forgiveness from my motorhead friends later.

And here’s the Youtube version:

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 4 years in Fiji it’s inevitable that you’ve seen the growing excitement that is the upcoming Rugby World Cup which is just around the corner. Fiji TV has been crowing to the masses that they’re the ‘official broadcasters for the IRB Rugby World Cup 2011”. Competitions are spawning left, right and center from entrepreneurs eager to cash in on the rugby hype, and no amount of ‘you’re not associated with IRB’ is going to stop them, with promotions running vague ‘the Rugby event of the year is here!’ taglines. Lines have been drawn, team loyalties have been declared and already there’s been skirmishes abound…

As a local, you’ve no doubt got your favourite team lined up and ready, play times inserted in your otherwise empty schedule book, team members names and battle scared faces memorized, even vakachi lines committed to memory should someone else’s team lose to yours.

If, somehow, you’re sorta new to all of this, have about as much knowledge of Rugby as you do the chemical composition of the soil from Mars, think the oval ball is shaped funny and usually zone out when the guys in the room scream and sob as their team gets hammered, then don’t worry, I’m not here to convince you into it.

However, there will come a time when your attention will be demanded, your voice will be needed, your loyalty and knowledge be called into question and you will be asked to participate in certain rugby fan related activities that, if you are not well prepared for, could result in disaster.

Fear not, for this is where this guide will step in to help you get through these rough and trying 2 months of rugby hell. Here’s a few tips on how to give the illusion that you’ve come to this rugby season ready to rock, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be good enough to fool the significant other into thinking that you really do like Rugby.

1) Pick A Team

“Hold on a minute,” you might think, pen and paper frozen as you squint your eyes, “won’t I need to learn how the game works?”

Psshh. This is all about appearances. Since the Rugby World Cup is going to start pretty soon, you’re not going to have much time memorizing how the game works. [Or you could just watch this quick 7 minute video to bring you up to speed.] Instead, we’re going with the assumption that you’re at home, enjoying a nice hot cup of tea curled up in your comfortable lounge reading a Sookie Stackhouse novel when BAM! Your boyfriend and his mates/neighbour and their mates/tavales and the rest of the family/workmates burst into your house, scream some garble about a rugby match going on, deposit you on the floor, fire up your brand new 32” LCD flatscreen, and occupy what was a minute ago your personal reading space, all the while asking what are you doing down there and to hurry up and tell them who’s your team.

So, the first step to acceptance is picking a team.

It’s not that hard. Here’s a roster of the teams playing and when they’ll be playing courtesy of Fiji TV.

If you want to play it safe, choose either: New Zealand, South Africa, England or Australia. These four countries have each won the World Cup, so your choice says that you’re a believer in history repeating itself. If you want to be a bit more edgy but risk further discussion into your choice of team, go for: France, Argentina or Samoa. France has reached the finals a few times, with Argentina and Samoa being more of the dark horse entries. Of course, if you’re local, the easiest would be to side with Fiji, since we have a low chance of reaching the semi-finals thanks to our death pool, thus earning you wiggle space when it comes to dropping your enthusiasm for rugby. “We lost” you can simply shrug.

2) Memorize your Team’s National Anthem Chorus Ending Line

Before the rugby match begins, they’ll usually play both team’s national anthems. This is the bit where rugby diehard fans stand up, clench their chest, and try to match their team’s pitch in both song and fervor. If you’re with such people, be sure to stand up, grab your mates, hang an arm around their shoulders, and pretend to sing. You don’t have to sing the whole national anthem, just hang in there (literally) with a grin or a tear in your eye, depending on whether you’re watching a pool match or the finals.

To truly earn the respect of your fellow rugby fan friends, you can (attempt) to sing along, though choose your moment carefully. Usually the end of the chorus of the national anthem is where you’d want to be heard, a vocal cry of support to your country of choice, and a proclamation that yes…this is…your (for these 2 months) team.

3) Wear the Colours

Beat the questions of where your loyalty lies to the punch and wear your team’s colours. Getting a huge flag draped around your shoulders is the easiest way to declare your team without having to colour coordinate your carefully selected evening wear. But if you’re fresh out of flags, then getting a rugby jersey would be the next best thing. That or simply writing ENGLAND across your white shirt. That helps too.

4) Cheer. A lot.

Get your vocal pipes warmed and in tune; you’re going to be cheering. A lot. Nothing says “SCORE OR I’MA BOMB YOUR PLANE WHEN YOU COME BACK!” like a fan screaming their guts out at the TV. Applaud when your team plays a penalty (don’t know when they do? Follow the friends who cheer for your team). Groan when a member of your team gets sent off with the magic red/yellow card. (Yellow card = bad. Red Card = very bad.) And lose it when your team scores a try. Like seriously, lose yourself. Scream, yell, jump up and down, hug (its ok guys, you can do it too), jump on the table (provided there is one, and it’s yours). Anything goes. Except of course burning the house down. Save that for when Fiji loses their matches.

5) Drink. A lot.

To complete the circle, you’re going to be doing a lot of drinking. Whether it be drinking alcohol in the clubs, or grog at the cousin’s place, a certain amount of liquid is going to be most certainly consumed during these two months. Celebrate your win with a few rounds of Fiji Bitter. Or hang your head in silence around the bowl of grog. Whatever the scenario may be, pull in your stomach and gird your taste buds. It’s going to be a long, tongue numbing, speech impeding session that may or may not make the time pass faster.

Sticking to these 5 tips won’t turn you into some Rugby God, but it should help you get through those times when your house isn’t your own, or your night out with your friends gets hijacked when they play a match on the TV. Of course, if you’re watching the rugby match at your uncle’s home and he asks you whether New Zealand’s defense is up to speed or not in comparison to say South Africa, then you’re on your own.

Graphic Designer: Boss, here’s the poster for the new Super 8 movie.

Boss: What? Where? This? What’s this?

Graphic Designer: It’s…the poster. For the movie.

Boss: Poster?! We can’t use this for our newspaper times ad! Looks like someone forgot to turn the camera the right way up! Why are there silhouettes? Where’s the main star power?

Graphic Designer: Well it’s about a bunch of kids tha -

Boss: KIDS?! This poster ain’t no Harry Potter! Get me another poster for the movie!

Graphic Designer: Well we have the teaser poster…

Boss: Sweet Mary – did I just walk into a fucking Art Gallery? Where are the people? Last time I checked, movies were about people! People!

Graphic Designer: Well it’s going for more of a minimalistic -

Boss: Minimalistic your pay grade! I want a person in place of this damn artsy fartsy camera glorification photo of a damn poster!

Hmmm….say….remember that movie with that blue glowy guy whose dong was all you could look at -

Graphic Designer: Watchmen.

Boss: Yeeahh. That one. Grab a picture from that movie and put it in. People here like superheroes. Besides, there’s a damn ‘super’ in the title of this one, we might as well give them something to get excited over.

(Later)