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A Guide to all things Barrel Night
Posted by Wilson in bloggers, booze, tipsntricks on December 4, 2010
Ironically, a google search of the term "barrel night" revealed two sets of pictures, semi-drunk locals facing the camera, and guns. Lots of guns. The gun picture was posted here, because guns don't kill people. Badly organised barrel nights kill people.
When it comes to fundraising in Fiji, there are a few relative options, almost all of them involving grog and/or alcohol. While you could always have a bazaar with the friends and family, the lack of anything party-ish makes it reserved for larger organizations with manpower under its belt. For smaller groups, or enterprising individuals, there’s always the mainstay of fundraising, the venerable Barrel Night.
Basically, a Barrel Night involves you, a (usually) plastic cup, and a near endless supply of beer refills at the clubs. Sounds simple enough no? Sit infront of the bar and take in the free beer? WRONG. So so very wrong. Silly assumptions sink ships. Or something to that accord.
What you need is a Barrel Night Survival Guide, courtesy of veteran Awesome Cake.
Having spent many a dark night stumbling and fighting his way through the masses to get to the much deserved alcohol, he has formulated a water-tight formula that if followed to the letter, should guarantee you at the very least, your hard earned money’s worth.
So read up and take it to heart. Then spread the good word.
1 duck in the hand is worth…
We all love a good prank. Or two. One time when I was a young fiddlestick, my neighbour and I tried to play this prank where we’d pretend that the neighbour’s sister had a phone call at my place (being the only place with a landline in my street those days had its pros and cons) and that she had to come quick to answer it. Before she reached the entrance of my home we jumped at her, screaming and throwing a bucket of water at her shocked face. Needless to say the prank fell apart when I realized I was supposed to only throw the water and not the bucket with it. I blame my waiwai fingers. The bucket smacked her head and she went down like a sack of dalo. She was ok, but that evening I got a special hiding from my dad who broke the broom in two just for this special occasion. After that my neighbour and I didn’t see each other that much. The sister even less so.
Thankfully, Jonathan of Oceanic gets his prank on, which doesn’t involve concussions or figures of speech involving loose sacks of dalo, but rather…missing ducks.
Via Oceanic
Taadaa! Welcome to Failed Paradise 2.0
A New paint job. With less wheels.
If you’re reading this after you’ve been redirected from the ol’ .blogspot.com addy, then welcome! We’ve transfered over from blogspot to a brand spanking new domain (only $20FJ a year! Bonus!), a new wordpress blog hosting machine, all with the fresh smell of brand new paint 
Over the next few days there’ll be a few hiccups, curious new themes and all round strangeness happenings here. Stay with us. We’re getting the hang of things as we settle down in our new home, and will soon be churning out the same silly, strange, funny posts that you’ve all come to associate with the monster that is Failed Paradise. So update your bookmarks, re-subscribe your RSS Feeders, and enjoy the new layer of paint. Just don’t watch it dry.
Us Gang: What Lunch In Suva is all about
Welcome to a new monthly (or longer – Fiji time and all) section of the blog where we’ll be having a chit chat with our local bloggers, and getting to know them a tad bit more then what you read on their profile page. With Fiji as their common denominator, these bloggers are part and parcel of our local blogsphere, helping to shape what we are to the world online.
[Fancy words end]
Probably the only food review website for local restaurants in Fiji, Lunch in Suva is all about the thumbs up/down. Godsent for people who are cautious about good food in Suva, these brave souls check to see whether eatery XXX deserves your hard earned dollars. With Suva as their playground, they’ve covered all corners of the restaurant spectrum, from the standard fish & chips fare to more cultured coffee offerings.
We’ve recently had the chance to have a little talanoa session with the gang behind Lunch In Suva, and find that rosters are unavailable, reviewing is a thankless job, and Tom Cruise is so not gay. Like…totally not.
How did it all start?
Kania Tiko (KT): I was drunk and said things I now regret, made promises I no longer want to keep, life commitments that make me want to end my life. Sorry what was this question about again?
Picky Eater (PE): We had just discovered Dan’s Fish & Chips. Someone said “How come we never heard of this place before? There should be a blog where you can find out about places to eat in Suva.” Everyone nodded sagely, agreed this was a good idea, and did nothing about it for 2 whole years. [This may explain why I awarded Dan's a 'thumbs-up' it no longer deserves]
Who’s on the duty roster?
KT: WTF is a duty roster? Should we have one?
PE: KT & PE are the only published reviewers on the team. At various times, other people have said “Great idea! I eat lunch almost every day … perhaps I could write reviews for Lunch in Suva too.” The mere utterance of this statement invariably opens up a wormhole in the time-space continuum which thereafter swallows all their motivation until we strike them off the list of contributors. Both KT and PE have facial hair; everyone else who has tried to write for Lunch in Suva (and failed) did not … There is no roster.
How do you choose your restaurants?
KT: With loving diligent care. Basically I let Picky Eater do all the work.
PE: We say things like “I heard that place is okay,” or “We’ve haven’t written up that place yet” … and I take these gems of truth and distill them in a draft post that remains eternally unpublished. Every so often (around once a year) KT will say “What’s next on the list?” … and then we refer to the list. It’s divided into several categories: places we love and should have written about last year before they closed, places we hate but don’t have the guts to go back to, places other people have recommended, and finally, places that require joint expeditions and wisdom from Mrs KT and Mrs PE.
Whats your review process like? A checklist? Mental notes for later? Audio recorder Private Investigator style?
KT: Process? we don’t need no stinking process! I sneer at process.I fart in the general direction of process. Process is for poofters, and Lunch in Suva is just like Tom Cruise: definitely not gay!
PE: We generally try to avoid scaring the proprietors … for instance, we try to avoid the appearance of being health inspectors. Notes are taken (usually mental so as to avoid aforesaid appearance of health inspectors), the menu is canvassed (and photographed if possible). If doing a joint review, there is a short deliberation to avoid ordering the same dish. Photographs are taken. Food is consumed. Pulse is checked; antibiotics administered liberally. Notes are compared; the writing assignment is made. The assigned writer then retreats to strive against inertia, writer’s block and general laziness until the post is done.
Up until now, are there any restaurants out there that are aware of your website, and have contacted you either to agree or disagree with your review?
KT: If they aren’t offering bribes to sex up the review, I ignore them and leave them for Picky Eater. Since no one has offered a bribe yet that means I pretty much ignore all feedback.
PE: None claiming to represent any restaurant … but I am suspicious of a couple of glowingly positive ‘Anonymous’ comments on the review of The Joli Fryer
What’s the general feedback via email and comments been like over time?
KT: Totally fuck all. As mentioned above, not a single damn bribe has been offered.
PE: Mostly positive … after all, it is food we’re talking about. I generally blacklist restaurant proprietors who email asking for us to review their eateries (you know who you are). General comments are as they should be: focused on the food and service of the restaurants we review. KT occasionally tries to start flame wars.
Any death threats from thumbs down restaurants? 
KT: See answer above, if you’re not offering cashmonay, I ain’t reading it. If you do a death threat with alternative offer of a bribe, then you will have my full attention.
PE: Death threats are hollow. If you killed us, we would take our Blogger auths to our graves and your negative rating would be immortalised. Re-read KT’s comments above … they’re a bit subtle, but you should find clues as to more effective ways of correcting a negative perception. Either that, or just fix your damn food and service!
Have you ever disagreed amongst yourselves over a review of a restaurant? If so, how’d you settle?
KT: Usually with pistols at dawn, but sometimes I just leave a dissenting view in the comments.
As a food connoisseur, do you consider it your job, nay, your duty, to review restaurants and their foods, or is it more of a hobby?
KT: The premise of this question is moronic, we are neither connoisseurs, nor is it a duty or a job. Hobbies are for poofters, and Lunch in Suva is just like Tom Cruise: definitely not gay! You fullahs at FP though definitely give off the air of boys who like it up the arse. What were we talking about again? (Ed: Thats it – this interview is cancelled )
)PE: We eat food. We either like it, or we don’t. The reviewing is neither job nor duty, and certainly not consistent enough to earn the status of ‘hobby’. We occasionally goad each other to do foolish things (like eat lamb curry from Singh’s) in the name of citizen journalism. We’re opinionated … our opinions are correct; we feel other people should be informed of them (when we have the motivation)
Whats the favourite type of food for the Lunch in Suva crew?
KT: There are only two types of food – good food and bad food. We prefer good food.
Worst experience in a restaurant?
KT: Any time I get sick – for instance Central Cuisine and that fucked up butter chicken in FNPF plaza. With bad service you forget about it in less than a week, you get sick and the memory stays with you for years.
PE: I still have a chip on my shoulder about being the only customer at the counter in the Joli Fryer one lunch time and being forced to go elsewhere after 20 minutes of failing to attract any one’s attention. But KT is right, I will return to places that have bad service if I think their food is worthwhile, or if I think the experience will be character-building, or if there is the remote possibility that this form of self-flagellation will result in an entertaining blog post. As for the butter chicken at the Boulevard … that was completely our fault. Any one who orders curry with a dairy component from a food warmer deserves what they get. See the requirement for character-building exercises above.
Quick no thinking question (though the fact that this interview is done via email kind of defeats the whole purpose of not thinking): If you were to eat only 2 types of dishes for 10 years, what would they be?
KT: Miss March and Miss July. (Ed – a guy after my own heart)
PE: I think I’d have to go with the ancient Egyptian chunky beer that kept the slaves quiet & energised for daily pyramid building, and fish in lolo with ota as the second.
Where do you plan to go on from here? Is a sister site “Lunch in Nadi” on the planned horizon?
KT: There would be, if I didn’t think Nadi was a shit hole that can only improved by the use of tactical nuclear weapons. As for future plans, I want to be the most powerful man in the Suva restaurant scene, with restaurateurs plying me with money, women, and drugs just so I don’t destroy them.
PE: There is a redesign in the pipe with better reader participation (agree or disagree with our reviews, give each eatery your own ranking, etc) and a move to a proper domain name. To the cybersquatter parked on http://lunch.in : you have messed with my destiny and karma is coming to get you.
Several people have suggested an expansion to Nadi, so we’ve reserved http://lunchinnadi.blogspot.com just in case. If you eat regularly in Nadi, have a vast reserve of motivation, and agree with everything KT has said so far … place $3,000 (with non-consecutive serial numbers) in an unmarked envelope and get in touch to talk about joining the team.
In the long term, there’s some talk of opening a restaurant in Suva, completely and utterly dedicated to the humble long loaf. Would you buy lunch from a place called “The Land of the Long White Loaf”? If that falls through, we’ll form a political party, get elected and suck happily at the teat of public funds
Thanks for agreeing to this interview. As a last, curious question, what do you all have for breakfast?
KT: This morning it was whole meal long loaf with sliced banana. I did weet-bix in draught beer a couple of years ago though and if FP wants to sponsor the draught beer and the weet-bix I’ll happily do a live guest blog for you on the experience.
PE: Caffeine … then more caffeine … then beef sausages, fried eggs, toast … followed by more caffeine.
Top 5 Posts of 2008
Ah 2008.
2008 was many things to many people, but to this blog, some things never change, especially in Fiji. Sure, we’ve got dark times ahead with our somewhat soured relationship with New Zealand, but then again, when were we ever good friends with them to begin with? The way I saw it, we were always enemies, since Rugby brings out the worst in their devoted followers 
Also, the world economy took a hit, and soon we’ll be all feeling the familiar pinch of tight pockets and careful budgeting.
Also, the world economy took a hit, and soon we’ll be all feeling the familiar pinch of tight pockets and careful budgeting.But it wasn’t all doom and gloom you know. In terms of the much under appreciated sport of rugby league, the Fiji Bati fired up the hearts and minds of fijians everywhere when they made a surprising run at the Rugby League World Cup in Australia, showcasing a quality of rugby that echoed the awesome performance of the Rugby Union World Cup 2007. Fiji also took a step towards Hollywood popularity when they designated the pacific as “Bulawood“. Oh. And we got another hurricane.
And throughout all the posts (or the lack thereof), you’ve always commented, letting us know just what you think of whatever was posted, agreements, disagreements, flames, trolls, the work. Here are the top 5 posts of the year by feedback:
It was all about 2007 apparently. The mandatory lookback at our humble beginnings, our noobish attempts at blogging, the unwittingly popular posts about crazy air hostesses, 2007 was a year that heralded a new local blog into the somewhat sparsely populated blogging scene (save for the contraversial, army hating regulars). It happened. And there was no turning back.
OMG a dilemma! It was the weekend of weekends, with a showdown between two events that locals were preparing to follow and adhere to. Earth Hour, the initiative to save the world from its eco-gulping inhabitants, was going to be started around the same time as our beloved Hong Kong 7s matches, and a pros and cons list had to be drawn up to decide who was the ultimate winner. Of course, a cursory glance at the game times revealed that Fiji’s matches were roughly 2 hours ahead of Earth Hour. So in the end, both parties won. Rare.
Fiji has only just being exposed to the West and all its ways in the past few centuries, and seems to haven taken most of the influence in its stride. Franchise in all its glory has not been left behind, and has taken residence with an almost enviable ease. However, a few have since hiccuped and closed shop, due to either near impossible competition (all hail Comsol the mighty dvd distributor of pirate dvds), bad business decisions, or just plain bad luck.
Heh. Best photo of 2008 in my humble opinion, which is mostly overrated, and never paid any attention, but I digress. Vodafone and Digicel, both warring business houses in the field of easy phones and bright splashy full page advertising, go out of their way to grab the consumer’s easily lost attention, though Digicel went one step further, and brought in chubby R&B crooner Sean Kingston on their opening day. Of course, never one to lose sight of any opportunity, Vodafone staff somehow managed a photo with the star when he landed, with the digicel staff nowhere to be found. Lols ensured.
In a very pote kind of way as well. World famous magician and all round slick haired Harry Houdini visited our shores back in 1910 and upon seeing some locals perform a diving trick, bested them at their own game. I can just picture it. The local divers, after being made to look like fools, scratch the back of their heads, grin, and swear silently before going off to town to shoot a few games of billiard and curse at all tourists in general. At least that is what I’d do. Early 1900′s or not.
With that behind us, I’m certainly looking forward to what surprises 2009 has in store for us all. Stay safe this festive season.
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