Archive for June, 2009

This little piggie…

Oink.

Oink.

Its pandemic panic time! And you know what that means – batter down the hatches, stock up on emergency supplies, invest in a shotgun and always aim for the head.

Sorry, wrong apocalypse. It looks like we officially have a real pandemic on our hands, the first proper one for 40 years. Now, while the only pandemics I like are the ones that are cute, eat bamboo and sleep all day, this current outbreak, the dreaded H1N1, or Swine Flu, bears a high state of mention, since the former rockband turned international health body the WHO have officially declared the virus a pandemic.

This virus has gone worldwide, and is spreading at a slow and steady rate as only a hardworking virus should. Fiji is no exception. Despite the best efforts of our government health officials, the virus has reached our shores via a tourist inbound from Australia, and has settled in quite well thank you very much.

As of this moment (28/6/09), 10 people are infected with the Swine Flu virus, with more predicted on the horizon. Not a pretty thought, the idea of the virus spreading in our own shores, but it’s a reality we all have to deal with.

And to help deal with that, Failed Paradise now has a fancy counter on the top right of the blog. This counter, imaginatively labeled the “Local Swine Flu Counter” will show the number of people infected in Fiji with the current date stamp at the bottom. The actual graphic itself is also a link to the appropriate Fiji Times article with the updated info on the number of people infected.

Having a heads up with big numbers is a handy method in reminding ourselves to remain vigilant, and not to let rumours and fear take over. Of course, numbers are a double sword, not in the least the very reason why fear is generated in the first place. But hey, its all about the facts.

And the Oink o’meter? Well I needed something to go along with the poker faced pig at the top.

Handy Links:
The signs and symptoms of H1N1 (besides porking out on food)
How to Prevent getting swine flu

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Blast from the Past: Gather ’round folks!

FT_1969_3

Click image to view the zoomed version

Blast From The Past is a weekly (or somewhere around that timeframe, as I claim ‘Fiji Time’ as my defendent) post of scans from a 1969 Fiji Times paper which also doubled as a 100 year anniversary issue look back at 1869. Every week one page scan will be posted, allowing you to have a read of issues, politics and topics that was the Fiji of the past.

Origin stories are always fascinating, especially if describing the humble beginnings of mighty empires. The Fiji Times has had a colourful history dating back to 1869, and since then has undergone many company takeovers, managerial changes and corporate mergers. Situated in the then capital of Fiji, Levuka, the Fiji Times has born witness to the ever changing life of Fiji, and over time amassed a great collection of stories and articles that show us how Fiji was in the old days.

For instance, according to this page, late 1800s Levuka was basically the wild wild west, with “no form of government whatsoever.” Tis a pity really, I was hoping that Fiji had some sort of local sheriff that chased criminals, had a cool six shooter and rode often into the beach sunset. Strangely enough, Levuka was more civilised then needing any form of gun slinging justice, and differences were solved in a rather interesting manner.

Say for example, you and Jone had different ideas on your wife’s after hours activities involving one very defensive Jone. Now, gentleman rules state that you can’t just go to his house and beat the crap out of him. That’s so barbaric. And since there’s no government, there’s no judicial system. No judicial system, no fancy wig wearers to hear your claim. So what do you do? Why tell everyone else of course.

“Gather ’round folks!” You yell, perched on top of some non-descript wooden shipping box in the middle of the town square, “gather ’round and let me tell you a tale of dark desire, of betrayal most dear, of love lost and sold to the nearest lark!” Basically, you have to almost put on a show in a public place (preferably town itself, though the local tavern offers the same numbers with the added bonus of reduced straight thinking thanks in no small part to alochol), and tell everyone what exactly is pissing you off. It’s almost as if you’re trying to make a case to the jury, which in this case, is the public in general. And don’t forget, your opponent a.k.a. Jone, is also in the other side of town, doing the same thing, preaching to the crowd of how he has been wrongingfully accused, and how he must clear his name for his family’s sake.

After making a public spectacle of yourself, further dialogue is added to the latest issue of the Fiji Times, with the paper acting as interceder on behalf of the community. It is after this however, that it gets a tad cloudy, with the article describing the matter as “…generally ended”. I’m not quite sure exactly how, after creating all that hoopla out in town and in the Fiji Times, does the matter get resolved, unless some sort of voting was drawn up to finger out the guilty person amongst the two arguing individuals, or, at least in my head, a free for all, last man standing boxing match is organised, with the winner declearing his side of the arguement true. Woah.

Admitedly, the actual article is about 3 men who made the Fiji Times into the news conglomorate it is today, but I was pretty much side-swiped by the near aside description of how differences were solved. I mean, no government, no sheriff, every man for himself?

I call ownership on the inevitable movie script that will be written about this period of Fiji’s history. I can just picture it now.

(Deep movie trailer voice) “In a time when there was no law…”

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Slang of the week: Pato


Wearing pato...

Wearing pato...

Pato: Going barefoot; no shoes, all natural sole;

My shoes bust in town and I couldn’t walk far in them, so I had to pato the rest of the way. Slack saraga.

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Areh loan please

prank callers inc

Prank calls are the meat and potatoes of radio shows looking for humour without all the hard work of script writing and voice acting. I’ve heard alot of prank calls in my time, but this is the first time I’ve had a chance to listen to one made by a local Indian radio station. Here’s one that’s been making the email circles lately, and is pretty hilarious.

Granted it’s edited voice wise, and most of it is in indian, but if you listen closely to the conversation, you can sort of pick up (for the non-indian speaking readers) the english words scattered in the conversation. Also, halfway through the prank call, the conversation turns to english when the prankster gets transfered to a bored sounding Loans officer.

The real kicker is towards the end, when said prankster starts to get desperate.

Note: Nani: Grandmother

Also, need a translator to transcribe the beginning and end Indian conversation ><

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

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Local Music changes its tune

fiji music

When the words “Local Music” is mentioned, what springs to mind? Cheery, smiley fijians standing on white sandy beaches, smiles beaming away, ukaleles in tow, harmonious tunes echoing in the pacific breeze? Calm stringed melodies singing of times of old, when times were simple and the grog flowed like the stream next to the house?

If you were just visiting our shores at the local hotel then, yes.

However, a cursory glance at localmusicinfiji.com will reveal a totally different picture.

Times are a’changin’, and amongst many young musicians today, its definitely all about the hip rap hop.

With the advent of westernisation, cheap computers and coupled with the ease at which the internet has made itself available to many families today (ah the good old days of dial-up…or maybe not), anyone and everyone with a musical bone or a lyrical leaning towards rap can make themselves heard. Several rappers have already made a name for themselves, such as Sammy GMr Grin, and Red Child, to name but a few.

The distribution channels for local grown music has improved with the help of the internet via bebo groups, reverbnation profiles etc, but the traditional means still remain, either through radio, a music video (if you’ve a video production company at your disposal), and even through public performances:

Not to be outdone by the advent of hip hop, krumping is also making headwaves with its subsequent introduction and growth.

It would be interesting to see just how far this genre of music and dance would develop, and with plenty of raw talent and the internet as their oyster, we should be in for alot of surprises in the coming years.

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Slang of the Week: Tiko vei iko

smarty pants

Tiko vei iko: You’ve got it! /sarcasm

Stephanie: I know for a fact that Fiji was going to win, I’ve studied their tactics and consider it sound.

Clarence: Trues up, expert tiko vei iko =_=

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To be a kid again, silly poems and all

Smiley kid ca saraga

Smiley kid ca saraga

Remember when you were a kid?

The good ol’ days when you didn’t give two cents about what other people thought of the hole in your shirt, when cartoons in the afternoon were the most looked forward to hours aside from school lunch hour and visits to the shop with 10 whole cents, when you were convinced that your current group of friends were going to be with you forever, when you absolutely knew your class teacher was either the bestest best teacher ever, or was most certainly the cruelest demon ever to walk the earth unchallenged by demon hunting heroes that you gleaned off from the comics that you swiped off your neighbour?

I recently had a run-in with nostalgia a few days ago, when, during a lunch session with a few of my workmates, I happen to come across a popular, I’m not quite sure how to describe this, but for the moment I’ll settle for ’silly kids poem’.

The chance conversation centred around who was going where, when someone said, “Where you gang all going?”

“Suva,” was the reply.

At that moment, most probably without thinking, my fijian workmate, his eyes lit with that familiar glow of Deja Vu, launched into a tirade of sentences that started one after the other, each sentence continuing on the previous statement with a question, and weaved its way through a jumble of nonsense that culminated in the arrival to the very word that set off the whole verbal fiasco. Suva.

For the sake of keeping nostalgia alive, and for future reference, here is the poem in its entirety. This poem works as a back and forth between two people, and almost always starts off with the conversation having had the word “Suva” mentioned. Note that while this is the version that I heard and am familiar with, you may have a slightly different version in your head, or maybe not.

To start off, someone has to start with the opener:

Fire vei? (Where are you going?)
Suva
Suva cava? (cava – what?)
Suva City
City cava?
Sitiveni (english name for steven)
Veni cava?
Venikau (pencil?)
Kau cava?
Kau Ba
Ba cava?
Barewa (uro)
Rewa cava?
Rewa Daily
Daily cava?
Daily Post
Post cava?
Post Fiji
Fiji cava?
Fiji Times
Times cava?
Times 2
2 cava?
2 SUVA!

Fire vei? (Where are you going?)

Suva

Suva cava? (cava – what?)

Suva City

City cava?

Sitiveni (english name for steven)

Veni cava?

Venikau (pencil? Not too sure on this word)

Kau cava?

Kau Ba

Ba cava?

Barewa (uro)

Rewa cava?

Rewa Daily

Daily cava?

Daily Post

Post cava?

Post Fiji

Fiji cava?

Fiji Times

Times cava?

Times 2

2 cava?

2  SUVA!

If you were a child of the 70s, 80s or even 90s, tell me you didn’t just read that and not feel a pang of nostalgia creep up to the corner of your eyes. If not, it’s never too late to start learning it :)

2 Comments

Taadaa! Welcome to Failed Paradise 2.0

We're just like the new paint job, only with less wheels.

A New paint job. With less wheels.

If you’re reading this after you’ve been redirected from the ol’ .blogspot.com addy, then welcome! We’ve transfered over from blogspot to a brand spanking new domain (only $20FJ a year! Bonus!), a new wordpress blog hosting machine, all with the fresh smell of brand new paint :) Over the next few days there’ll be a few hiccups, curious new themes and all round strangeness happenings here. Stay with us. We’re getting the hang of things as we settle down in our new home, and will soon be churning out the same silly, strange, funny posts that you’ve all come to associate with the monster that is Failed Paradise. So update your bookmarks, re-subscribe your RSS Feeders, and enjoy the new layer of paint. Just don’t watch it dry.

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The most dangerous Island(s) in the world!

You have to hand it to the talented guys at cracked.com. Billed as “America’s only humour & video site since 1958″, the digg regulars write what can be only described as the internet’s staple diet in terms of article format. Lists. Their “top X of (insert strange/funny/wierd/scary topic) so-and-so” articles cover a wide range of just anything that you can think of, from ‘competitive eating‘ to ‘baffling sports‘.
Cracked follows the traditional list formula, where they number increasingly strange facts about the particular chosen theme. And recently, they’ve written a real cracker of a list, ’6 Real Islands More Terrifying Then The One On ‘Lost”. For want of alot of giggles, click the link to read the article, and pay special attention to the number one island.
Onz ;)
And remember, while their write up is based (generally!) on facts, its all tongue in cheek mate. All fer fun.

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Fiji Water fuels the Music Industry



We all know the famous water brand that’s taken our country’s name all around the world. Fiji Water has come a long way in its bid to rule the bottled water world, and its marketing prowess is nothing to sneeze at. Its presence in Hollywood We’ve all freaked out when the bottle appeared on Friends. Heck, I practically had a fit when I saw the Fiji Water vending machine in that episode of X-Files when Scully waits at a train station for Mulder. I swear it was right there at the train station. I wasn’t thinking, “Oh dear, I wonder if dear mysterious monotone Mulder will show up for his one true love Scully?” No. I was spazzing out, grabbing anyone nearby by the collar and screaming, “OMIGODWTFBBQ DID YOU SEE THE FUCKING FIJI WATER MACHINE THINGO AT THE TRAIN STATION? QUICK! SCREENSHOT!”

Right.
There’s no denying that Fiji Water has the Hollywood crowd, with famous actors such as Junior James T Kirk and Brad Pitt seen out in public with the bottle close by. The Music Industry too is no slacker. Bottled water and public performance go hand in hand and in a strange way, sort of makes sense. Singing, especially in concerts with either the glaring mid-day sun on your face, or the bright, insect-attracting floodlights giving you accidental tan, is a tiring, sweaty job. So hydration is top on the list of necessary life items, besides pizza and the drug dealer’s speed dial button.
If you want to see what these singing celebrities order during their tours/performances, look no further, The Smoking Gun has a comprehensive list of famous singers and their list of travel demands a.k.a. Tour Riders. And one of the interesting things is how popular Fiji Water is amongst the bottled water request line up. Some of the more famous performers who’ve requested Fiji Water include:
Ok not Kelly Clarkson in particular, who prefers Dasani Water, but her rock band, who ask for a whooping 24 bottles of Fiji Water. In a rather unusual show of un-rockmanship, her list of needs is rather…small. Like, post 2008 world economy crash small. Which is quite funny, since her record sales show a different tale.
What I said about Kelly Clarkson? I take it back. Either Mandy Moore’s trying to compete with Kelly on the ‘who’s on the hobo diet?’ competition, or the printer ran out of ink when it got past item 7. Thank goodness 8 bottles of Fiji Water was at the top.
Granted the list said Fiji Water or Volci but still. As an aside, I was glad that some other singer/group aside from the current list of girl pop stars was on the list. And it was one of my favourite rock bands to boot! Now I can rock out to their tunes, knowing that they rock out with Fiji Water. As an added bonus, their tour rider write up is pretty hilarious, and is up there with the Iggy Pop one.
My personal favourite, Mary’s Tour Rider states most emphatically that her room must have “…10 1.5 litre bottles of FIJI water (absolutely, positively must be FIJI).” Like…absolutely. Or else there’ll be a whole lotta drama.

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