Welcome to a new monthly (or longer – Fiji time and all) section of the blog where we’ll be having a chit chat with our local bloggers, and getting to know them a tad bit more then what you read on their profile page. With Fiji as their common denominator, these bloggers are part and parcel of our local blogsphere, helping to shape what we are to the world online.
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Probably the only food review website for local restaurants in Fiji, Lunch in Suva is all about the thumbs up/down. Godsent for people who are cautious about good food in Suva, these brave souls check to see whether eatery XXX deserves your hard earned dollars. With Suva as their playground, they’ve covered all corners of the restaurant spectrum, from the standard fish & chips fare to more cultured coffee offerings.
We’ve recently had the chance to have a little talanoa session with the gang behind Lunch In Suva, and find that rosters are unavailable, reviewing is a thankless job, and Tom Cruise is so not gay. Like…totally not.
How did it all start?
Kania Tiko (KT): I was drunk and said things I now regret, made promises I no longer want to keep, life commitments that make me want to end my life. Sorry what was this question about again?
Picky Eater (PE): We had just discovered Dan’s Fish & Chips. Someone said “How come we never heard of this place before? There should be a blog where you can find out about places to eat in Suva.” Everyone nodded sagely, agreed this was a good idea, and did nothing about it for 2 whole years. [This may explain why I awarded Dan's a 'thumbs-up' it no longer deserves]
Who’s on the duty roster?
KT: WTF is a duty roster? Should we have one?
PE: KT & PE are the only published reviewers on the team. At various times, other people have said “Great idea! I eat lunch almost every day … perhaps I could write reviews for Lunch in Suva too.” The mere utterance of this statement invariably opens up a wormhole in the time-space continuum which thereafter swallows all their motivation until we strike them off the list of contributors. Both KT and PE have facial hair; everyone else who has tried to write for Lunch in Suva (and failed) did not … There is no roster.
How do you choose your restaurants?
KT: With loving diligent care. Basically I let Picky Eater do all the work.
PE: We say things like “I heard that place is okay,” or “We’ve haven’t written up that place yet” … and I take these gems of truth and distill them in a draft post that remains eternally unpublished. Every so often (around once a year) KT will say “What’s next on the list?” … and then we refer to the list. It’s divided into several categories: places we love and should have written about last year before they closed, places we hate but don’t have the guts to go back to, places other people have recommended, and finally, places that require joint expeditions and wisdom from Mrs KT and Mrs PE.
Whats your review process like? A checklist? Mental notes for later? Audio recorder Private Investigator style? 
KT: Process? we don’t need no stinking process! I sneer at process.I fart in the general direction of process. Process is for poofters, and Lunch in Suva is just like Tom Cruise: definitely not gay!
PE: We generally try to avoid scaring the proprietors … for instance, we try to avoid the appearance of being health inspectors. Notes are taken (usually mental so as to avoid aforesaid appearance of health inspectors), the menu is canvassed (and photographed if possible). If doing a joint review, there is a short deliberation to avoid ordering the same dish. Photographs are taken. Food is consumed. Pulse is checked; antibiotics administered liberally. Notes are compared; the writing assignment is made. The assigned writer then retreats to strive against inertia, writer’s block and general laziness until the post is done.
Up until now, are there any restaurants out there that are aware of your website, and have contacted you either to agree or disagree with your review?
KT: If they aren’t offering bribes to sex up the review, I ignore them and leave them for Picky Eater. Since no one has offered a bribe yet that means I pretty much ignore all feedback.
PE: None claiming to represent any restaurant … but I am suspicious of a couple of glowingly positive ‘Anonymous’ comments on the review of The Joli Fryer
What’s the general feedback via email and comments been like over time?
KT: Totally fuck all. As mentioned above, not a single damn bribe has been offered.
PE: Mostly positive … after all, it is food we’re talking about. I generally blacklist restaurant proprietors who email asking for us to review their eateries (you know who you are). General comments are as they should be: focused on the food and service of the restaurants we review. KT occasionally tries to start flame wars.
Any death threats from thumbs down restaurants? 
KT: See answer above, if you’re not offering cashmonay, I ain’t reading it. If you do a death threat with alternative offer of a bribe, then you will have my full attention.
PE: Death threats are hollow. If you killed us, we would take our Blogger auths to our graves and your negative rating would be immortalised. Re-read KT’s comments above … they’re a bit subtle, but you should find clues as to more effective ways of correcting a negative perception. Either that, or just fix your damn food and service!
Have you ever disagreed amongst yourselves over a review of a restaurant? If so, how’d you settle?
KT: Usually with pistols at dawn, but sometimes I just leave a dissenting view in the comments.
As a food connoisseur, do you consider it your job, nay, your duty, to review restaurants and their foods, or is it more of a hobby?
KT: The premise of this question is moronic, we are neither connoisseurs, nor is it a duty or a job. Hobbies are for poofters, and Lunch in Suva is just like Tom Cruise: definitely not gay! You fullahs at FP though definitely give off the air of boys who like it up the arse. What were we talking about again? (Ed: Thats it – this interview is cancelled )
)PE: We eat food. We either like it, or we don’t. The reviewing is neither job nor duty, and certainly not consistent enough to earn the status of ‘hobby’. We occasionally goad each other to do foolish things (like eat lamb curry from Singh’s) in the name of citizen journalism. We’re opinionated … our opinions are correct; we feel other people should be informed of them (when we have the motivation)
Whats the favourite type of food for the Lunch in Suva crew?
KT: There are only two types of food – good food and bad food. We prefer good food.
Worst experience in a restaurant?
KT: Any time I get sick – for instance Central Cuisine and that fucked up butter chicken in FNPF plaza. With bad service you forget about it in less than a week, you get sick and the memory stays with you for years.
PE: I still have a chip on my shoulder about being the only customer at the counter in the Joli Fryer one lunch time and being forced to go elsewhere after 20 minutes of failing to attract any one’s attention. But KT is right, I will return to places that have bad service if I think their food is worthwhile, or if I think the experience will be character-building, or if there is the remote possibility that this form of self-flagellation will result in an entertaining blog post. As for the butter chicken at the Boulevard … that was completely our fault. Any one who orders curry with a dairy component from a food warmer deserves what they get. See the requirement for character-building exercises above.
Quick no thinking question (though the fact that this interview is done via email kind of defeats the whole purpose of not thinking): If you were to eat only 2 types of dishes for 10 years, what would they be?
KT: Miss March and Miss July. (Ed – a guy after my own heart)
PE: I think I’d have to go with the ancient Egyptian chunky beer that kept the slaves quiet & energised for daily pyramid building, and fish in lolo with ota as the second.
Where do you plan to go on from here? Is a sister site “Lunch in Nadi” on the planned horizon?
KT: There would be, if I didn’t think Nadi was a shit hole that can only improved by the use of tactical nuclear weapons. As for future plans, I want to be the most powerful man in the Suva restaurant scene, with restaurateurs plying me with money, women, and drugs just so I don’t destroy them.
PE: There is a redesign in the pipe with better reader participation (agree or disagree with our reviews, give each eatery your own ranking, etc) and a move to a proper domain name. To the cybersquatter parked on http://lunch.in : you have messed with my destiny and karma is coming to get you.
Several people have suggested an expansion to Nadi, so we’ve reserved http://lunchinnadi.blogspot.com just in case. If you eat regularly in Nadi, have a vast reserve of motivation, and agree with everything KT has said so far … place $3,000 (with non-consecutive serial numbers) in an unmarked envelope and get in touch to talk about joining the team.
In the long term, there’s some talk of opening a restaurant in Suva, completely and utterly dedicated to the humble long loaf. Would you buy lunch from a place called “The Land of the Long White Loaf”? If that falls through, we’ll form a political party, get elected and suck happily at the teat of public funds
Thanks for agreeing to this interview. As a last, curious question, what do you all have for breakfast?
KT: This morning it was whole meal long loaf with sliced banana. I did weet-bix in draught beer a couple of years ago though and if FP wants to sponsor the draught beer and the weet-bix I’ll happily do a live guest blog for you on the experience.
PE: Caffeine … then more caffeine … then beef sausages, fried eggs, toast … followed by more caffeine.
#1 by mcb on May 15, 2009 - 10:25 am
Brilliant. two of my fave blogs on one page. have been sharing this all over the place this am… now I have to go get a flat white after staring at that last image…
hope this isn’t posted twice. internet is not much chop this am…
#2 by Mayvelous on May 15, 2009 - 11:17 am
A good interview, enjoyed it. I like KT answers.
I’m looking forward their site revamp. Agree with mcb, two favorites in one; a good tea break read for me.
Enjoy your Friday guys.
#3 by Bellerophontes on May 15, 2009 - 2:12 pm
Enjoyed reading this! Looking forward to more
Totally agree with the motivational black-hole.
#4 by Mark S on May 15, 2009 - 2:20 pm
Great interview, thanks!
L.I.S. should visit Lautoka… there are two and half restaurants here.
OT, but WTF is with that cup in the last pic? I love art, design, and the cultured aesthetic as much as the next guy… but a coffee cup with a malformed handle?! Not the best place for form over function. Better hope no American touristas drop the cup and burn themselves => law… suit!
#5 by Collin on May 15, 2009 - 4:12 pm
Truly funny! Just one question: Where are the restaurant reviews???
#6 by Picky Eater on May 15, 2009 - 4:15 pm
It’s official! You guys are now like 1 step away from starting a glossy magazine. All you need now is a health column from your aunty in the village and regular beauty tips from the gang who hang out after dark in the bus stop opposite FBCL.
@ Mark S: Guest blog? I grew up in Ba, so I totally sympathise with your deprived situation. Any city which can tolerate a restaurant named “Dejavu” needs culinary help.
More on that ridiculous cup (and a picture of the ‘thumb-wars’ style grip required) in the Lunch in Suva review of Mango cafe
#7 by jonathan on May 16, 2009 - 8:55 am
Great piece interviewing a couple of clinically insane people, Wlson.
Thanks for the share.
#8 by Anonymous on May 25, 2009 - 3:18 pm
that froth on the latte looks like on ass
or a love heart.lol.
#9 by Anonymous on May 25, 2009 - 3:19 pm
an ass*