If you look reeeeal close, at the back you’ll see the hopefully infamous ‘bulawood’…

Its official.

As of this week, Fiji, as well as the rest of the South Pacific, is – I hesitate to use the word officially, now designated as “Bulawood”, in reference towards our common goal of marketing the South Pacific’s viability as a movie making venue to the rest of the world, India not included. That’s because India a.k.a. Bollywood a.k.a. the original ‘B-wood’ community already knows about Fiji being another exotic destination to film in other than the other 1st world countries that they’re already familiar with.

But, questions the street going, run-of-the-mill Alipate, what does such an event have in beneficial terms to your average Tomasi, Jone and Panapasa? A question that is rightfully asked, and shall be answered here “Failed Paradise” style.

By going the 5 points way we are being hip, cool and up to date with the internet blogging scene, since every blog has to have a list, in some sort of excuse or another.

1) Grog will be the official Sponsored Drink of the Stars

Hollywood is the home of product placement and endorsement. You can’t watch a movie without inadvertently seeing a product been used that was paid for to be seen with your gullible eyes. In Fiji, we all know what that’ll be.

By the time Fiji has become a liable place for filming, Chaudry would have already destroyed what little of a bottled water economy we had going on, and Grog would have taken over, a giant monolith of conglomerate proportions, with sponsored rugby teams, break dance competitions, and most importantly, product placement in all the movies that are filmed in Fiji.

2) Movies will be released first on dvds through Comsol, then everywhere else

Source: www.images-amazon.com

Comsol has gained a reputation for being the local hub of all copyright evil, and in the eyes of the repressed, will only go from strength to strength. With their $1 dvds, rapid growth ensures, and the company begins to buy out all the other video stores around the country, becoming the biggest movie dealership in Fiji. There is nothing, reel or related, that doesn’t go through Comsol Headquarters first. So big is their influence, that a deal is struck with Movie companies who have invested in Fiji. All locally produced big budget films are to be released first through Comsol branches Fiji-wide, before being distributed throughout the rest of the world. Its power is so absolute, that the Pirate Bay houses several of its backup servers in one of their buildings.

3) We will have our local version of Shortland Street

source: www.francino.com

The staple diet of every proper housewife, wide-eyed teenager and unsupervised child, Shortland Street is Fiji’s most popular Soap Opera, with Fiji One News following closely. And with the advent of Bulawood, it would only be a matter of time before our very own version of Shortland Street would make its debut here on the local airwaves. With weekly scripts approved by the Methodist Church, “Kakase Korner” would go on to be the biggest local show, where themes of love, betrayal and the occasional rugby game are thrown into the mix and both church and politics play a heavy hand in the lives of the silver screen stars.

4) Food will be served at all cinemas, with an exclusivity towards BBQ

source: www.onebadwheel.com

Movie goers have ravenous appetites that stand toe to toe with the most zombie of zombies, and when it comes the locals, do you think a paltry paper bag of popcorn and a kiddie size coke cup is going to satisfy them? Hell no! Damodar Brothers would recognise this with dollar signs ringing in their eyes. Because of their monopoly over cinemas fiji wide, it was easy to allow the BBQ sellers in, and eventually, it becomes a fine Fijian family tradition to spend a Saturday afternoon munching on roasted chicken, slightly stale cassava, and oodles of onion while cheering the latest action hero on.

5) Serevi will be an Action Movie Star

You know this had to happen. Deep down inside, if you looked hard enough, you know that this was in the making. Serevi is too cool to just be given a hero’s welcome, a coach title and an appearance in tv adverts. No. The only way for him to go down in memory lane as a titan is to be imortalized as a movie star. And not just some whiny, heart strings biography, but a full on out guns blazing, body pieces flying, explosions aflame, and don’t forget the obligatory girl in trouble. Every action movie needs one to make up for the lack of a script. Though with Serevi at the helm, who needs a script? Armed with his winning smile, his deft hands and that ungodly goose step, every movie that stars him is a cinema packer, BBQ food and all.

It’s going to be a fun future for us all.

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