Archive for July, 2008

5 Reasons why “Bulawood” will benefit Fiji

Posted by Wilson in grog, movies on July 29, 2008


If you look reeeeal close, at the back you’ll see the hopefully infamous ‘bulawood’…

Its official.

As of this week, Fiji, as well as the rest of the South Pacific, is – I hesitate to use the word officially, now designated as “Bulawood”, in reference towards our common goal of marketing the South Pacific’s viability as a movie making venue to the rest of the world, India not included. That’s because India a.k.a. Bollywood a.k.a. the original ‘B-wood’ community already knows about Fiji being another exotic destination to film in other than the other 1st world countries that they’re already familiar with.

But, questions the street going, run-of-the-mill Alipate, what does such an event have in beneficial terms to your average Tomasi, Jone and Panapasa? A question that is rightfully asked, and shall be answered here “Failed Paradise” style.

By going the 5 points way we are being hip, cool and up to date with the internet blogging scene, since every blog has to have a list, in some sort of excuse or another.

1) Grog will be the official Sponsored Drink of the Stars

Hollywood is the home of product placement and endorsement. You can’t watch a movie without inadvertently seeing a product been used that was paid for to be seen with your gullible eyes. In Fiji, we all know what that’ll be.

By the time Fiji has become a liable place for filming, Chaudry would have already destroyed what little of a bottled water economy we had going on, and Grog would have taken over, a giant monolith of conglomerate proportions, with sponsored rugby teams, break dance competitions, and most importantly, product placement in all the movies that are filmed in Fiji.

2) Movies will be released first on dvds through Comsol, then everywhere else

Comsol has gained a reputation for being the local hub of all copyright evil, and in the eyes of the repressed, will only go from strength to strength. With their $1 dvds, rapid growth ensures, and the company begins to buy out all the other video stores around the country, becoming the biggest movie dealership in Fiji. There is nothing, reel or related, that doesn’t go through Comsol Headquarters first. So big is their influence, that a deal is struck with Movie companies who have invested in Fiji. All locally produced big budget films are to be released first through Comsol branches Fiji-wide, before being distributed throughout the rest of the world. Its power is so absolute, that the Pirate Bay houses several of its backup servers in one of their buildings.

3) We will have our local version of Shortland Street


The staple diet of every proper housewife, wide-eyed teenager and unsupervised child, Shortland Street is Fiji’s most popular Soap Opera, with Fiji One News following closely. And with the advent of Bulawood, it would only be a matter of time before our very own version of Shortland Street would make its debut here on the local airwaves. With weekly scripts approved by the Methodist Church, “Kakase Korner” would go on to be the biggest local show, where themes of love, betrayal and the occasional rugby game are thrown into the mix and both church and politics play a heavy hand in the lives of the silver screen stars.

4) Food will be served at all cinemas, with an exclusivity towards BBQ

Movie goers have ravenous appetites that stand toe to toe with the most zombie of zombies, and when it comes the locals, do you think a paltry paper bag of popcorn and a kiddie size coke cup is going to satisfy them? Hell no! Damodar Brothers would recognise this with dollar signs ringing in their eyes. Because of their monopoly over cinemas fiji wide, it was easy to allow the BBQ sellers in, and eventually, it becomes a fine Fijian family tradition to spend a Saturday afternoon munching on roasted chicken, slightly stale cassava, and oodles of onion while cheering the latest action hero on.

5) Serevi will be an Action Movie Star


You know this had to happen. Deep down inside, if you looked hard enough, you know that this was in the making. Serevi is too cool to just be given a hero’s welcome, a coach title and an appearance in tv adverts. No. The only way for him to go down in memory lane as a titan is to be imortalized as a movie star. And not just some whiny, heart strings biography, but a full on out guns blazing, body pieces flying, explosions aflame, and don’t forget the obligatory girl in trouble. Every action movie needs one to make up for the lack of a script. Though with Serevi at the helm, who needs a script? Armed with his winning smile, his deft hands and that ungodly goose step, every movie that stars him is a cinema packer, BBQ food and all.

It’s going to be a fun future for us all.

,

7 Comments

Wanted: Fiji Style

Posted by Wilson in crime, news on July 20, 2008

I’ve always wanted to see what a wanted sign looks like, the kind that heralds back to the dark, hi-ho silver days of the wild west. Granted you could always start the trusty google and fire up those search engines, but nothing beats having the real thing in front of you for that up close and personal scrutiny.

Modern day wanted notices, heralding to the more simple rule of “people remember mug shots, not posed studio images”, present a more grim picture, where the ‘wanted’ and the ‘why’ both come into play at the top, so that people will know whats the notice for, and why some random ugly poser is gracing their walls.

Fiji’s versions of wanted posters are somewhat of a more simple affair, and in this instance, not even sanctioned by the local authorities. Though it does bring to question whether all ‘wanted’ notices are to be sanctioned by a governing body, say for example, the police or lawyers. Are lawyers even interested in wanted signs? And for that matter, do lawyers send out movie-esquire bounty hunters who score the landscape, looking for those people who’ve missed out on their jury duty/bail payment/court visit?


This sign sits on the door entrance of Comsol Fiji Ltd, and is almost easy to miss if the office door is open (which it usually is), and you’re more interested in seeing whats the latest movies Comsol has to offer (which is probably why you’re there in the first place) then to notice some badly photocopied notice hastily stuck on the front door.

Why does Comsol have a wanted poster on their front door? Why because Comsol has a stake in it after all.


When someone walks away from your store with items worth more than six grand, you’d be pissed too. I’m pretty curious as to the circumstances of how said con man walked away with those items (and I’m still trying to figure out whether the six grand was in dvd movie costs…that’s alot of dvds…), though I doubt Comsol would want to reveal just how they were made a tomfoolery by the mysterious “above person”.


Needless to say, the photo is of poor quality,thanks in part to my somewhat lacking mobile phone camera. However, the photo/printout was lackluster in itself, and did not help with the process of photography on my part. It’s a pity that a wanted poster such as this fails in its duty to inform not because of its basic design, but rather on the main draw card that may bring said con man to ‘justice’, the actual photo.

People looking to claim the $200 award will be sorely disappointed when their only source of description of “above person” will be restricted to ‘Indian man with mustache’. And trust me, there’s quite a few of them around. Indian men with mustaches, not con men…although there’s plenty of con men to go around as well.

Good luck with that.

,

2 Comments

Dealing with Countries 1st Line of Defense a.k.a. Embassies

Posted by Wilson in annoying, Education, tipsntricks, Tourists, travel on July 8, 2008

Who wants to go overseas when you have everything you could ever need right here? Who needs fine wine when we can make the most serious head tripping home brew that’ll guarantee your not safety? Who wants to travel in limousine style when we’ve got private cars that’ll spring up to serve your every need whenever a bus strike happens?

However, in the far-fetched scenario that you do indeed need to leave said paradise shores, then getting your passport and countless papers are in order. And the place to go should you want access to your destination country are the Embassies.

Long heralded by 1st world countries as the best deterrent to mass migration, embassies are, as the title says, the first line of defense against anyone and everyone interested in crossing their hallowed entry points. Government bureaucracy, inept staffing, long queues and snobby nosed secretaries all conspired to make the stamp on your passport worth its weight in blood. Now, thanks in part to 9/11, border control has taken on a whole new meaning.

Of course, when all else fails, there’s always the internet yes?

Mayvelous May has taken the arduous, near herculean task of reviewing a few of the major embassies here in Suva, including the British, American, Australian and even French embassies.

At the beginning of each embassy review she gives the name of the embassy, as well as a summary of what to expect once you step in through the doors (French Embassy – Very quiet). A few paragraphs of policies, procedures and at times, frustration should give you a fair idea of how everything goes down in said embassy.

At the end of the embassy review, she’s placed the contact details, as well as how easy it is to get in contact with them, a very handy feature indeed (Phone Support: The number mentioned on the website is useless, once called, tells you to call another number. Extremely RUDE and snappy response).

After reading the whole article, the first prize to the most difficult, hard to get to, hard to go through embassy comes as no surprise whatsoever. Of course, you may have had a different experience with said reviewed embassies. Who knows. So, if you’d like a head start through enemy terrain, then look no further then May’s “Embassies: Knowing how anal your local one is”.

Ok. That was a bad title. So sue me.

PS: May, use review stars! Everyone loves review stars :D

, , , ,

2 Comments

TPAF’s Demon Slave Driver a.k.a. Timi the Worker

Posted by Wilson in advertising, Education on July 5, 2008

“You’d better update your page boy,” Awesome Cake said, using his disapproving radio voice while tapping the screen. My blog sat on the display, mocking me for my inability to get on top of things, let alone update the damn blog.

Of course I had to update my blog. How else could I survive the long waits inbetween posts, where there isn’t a comment that hits my mailbox, with a big “SOMEONE HAS LEFT A COMMENT! OH! MY! GOSH! PEOPLE ACTUALLY READ THIS CRAP!” heading. I have to admit it, I’m addicted to reading people’s comments on the blog. Its the only feedback I get from the readers, and it provides a colourful window into some of their thoughts and positions on said post, such as “Your blog sucks” or “who the shit are you guys,. Fiji is Fiji. Go to PNG or Solomon and get your butt kicked around…stop criticizing Fiji.” Free and fair speech I always say makes the world go round and blogs become crap.

In more interesting news, a few of the Saturday papers have this interesting competition going on, courtesy of the hard working folks at Training Productivity Authority of Fiji. Because TPAF is concerned with our nations productivity, they’ve stepped up and produced an icon/ambassador for productivity that’ll get kids all hyped up about slave labour camps and such.

Behold, Timi the Worker.


When it comes to educating kids about certain grown up and at times difficult to understand adult themes, nothing beats cute, fluffy, near huggable mascots and their giggly, stiff arm waving tactics. The more cute the avatar, the less aware children are to the fact that they’re been slowly imbued with whatever message is needed to be taught.

Timi however, is the exact polar opposite of all that is cute and fluffy. Aside from choosing a creature that most kids interact with on a daily basis with either a lens to burn them, mortein to kill them, or a swift palm to squash them, ants aren’t exactly what you may describe as ‘lovable’.

Nevertheless, Timi is a hard worker, and he doesn’t give a rat’s behind as to what kids think. And as with all hardworkers, he goes to work with his set of tools that include a garden fork which looks more like a vampire hunting multi-stake shotgun then anything to do with peaceful gardens and flowers. Beside his trusty hammer of justice and tied to his waist is a bag full of nails that double as ammo for said vampire hunting multi-stake shotgun. He also sports a nice hard hat.

But it was those eyes that got me. Those freaky, bulgy, win every stare contest eyes that drew my attention.


I don’t know about you, but those eyes are the stuff nightmares are made of. Long after the educated children will have grown up, those eyes will still haunt their dreams, with visions of piles and piles of documents yet to process, and deadlines of yesterdays fluttering around their head, while computers that sit on the desk sprout spam mail and deny access to microsoft word.

And all the while, those eyes watch the people struggle.

I wonder exactly how successful the education campaign went for TPAF.

,

9 Comments