image source: USP website

Its the festive season, and late night clubbing is in full swing. After an evening full of music, dance and saliva exchanging, closing time brings with it a unique challenge that everyone who doesn’t have pre-arranged transport home face.

Catching your very own taxi.

Unlike overseas, where cars are about as affordable as a flat screen television, transport is something of a luxury that the lucky few have access to, the rest of us reduced to mere zombies straggling the side of the road in an attempt to convince any taxi driver that we are the ones worth paying for their now much needed service.

There are a few times in a day when taxi drivers, who number in the hundreds making competition something of a life or death situation, can afford to be picky with who they take on as passengers. During peak shopping hours (the shopper with the most plastic bags is more likely to be staying the furtherest away from town), a little after 5pm (all white collar workers are duly marked and picked), and of course, nightclub closing time.

As with the previously mentioned peak times, taxi drivers take their own sweet time, picking out potentially paying passengers who don’t look like they’ll :

a) Vomit onto the driver’s car floor/gear/brand new speakers.

b) rob you of your hard earned cash, and perhaps stick a screw driver into your side while they’re at it.

c) ask to be taken to their destination, and promptly pass out in the back seat. A search of said passenger’s pockets reveal nothing but billiard tickets and lint.

d) go through a combination of (a) (b) and (c). Nasty.

After reading the above points, it’s painfully obvious what to do to ensure that your chances of stopping a taxi are high. Of course, it doesn’t stop there. There’s quite a few more points to pay attention to. It’s almost an art really.

1) Get out of the Clubs early.

I know, leaving early when the whole scene has hit its peak is like, well, I’ll leave the comparison to you. But exiting before everyone else does have its advantages. Key 3 words of this point? BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE. Its as simple as that. Beat the competition by being first out of the clubs, at anytime before 1am, therefore making it easier for the taxi drivers to pick you and you alone. Let the rest of them fight it over after closing time

2) Try not to look like a Drunk Fuck.

I sa drunk saraga!!!!!!11!1!

Hmmm, guess you didn’t take the first point to heart. Oh well, not to worry, you still have a fair chance of catching a taxi – if you sober up abit first. No taxi driver in their right mind is going to stop for someone who’s retching their guts out onto the pavement, though they do make exceptions if said vomitter was a hot chick. However, do note that a taxi driver’s self preservation comes to heart when considering a passenger, and if you’re found to be a total drunk fuck, then consider yourself demoted to ‘yet another transportless douche bag.’

3) Have a girl with you. They help

These people have “guaranteed taxi passengers” written all over them.

Generally, stopping taxis involve a number of people, namely you and your friends. You can increase your chances of stopping a taxi if you have a member of the fairer sex by your side (or if you are a girl, then you don’t need to be reading this point since you’ve already got your ride home), since taxi drivers see female companions as a sign that these guys most probably won’t be interested in trouble. Guy(s) + Girl = Safe Passengers! Works like a charm.

4) Move away from the Competition.

You don’t want to be here after the show finishes.

It’s simple really. When you exit the clubs, try moving to a spot that isn’t choked up with other late night patrons. The less people around you, the easier it is to be singled out. Moving towards the source of traffic and away from everyone else is always your best bet for catching a taxi.

Bear in mind that the above pointers are not absolute guarantees that you will have taxis clambering over each other to get to you (unless you’re Paris Hilton), but heeding their wise advice should make it easier on you to obtain a paid ride home.

Of course, there will always be the X-Factor, where, even though you’re as drunk as hell, can’t recall your name, and have little green fairies showing you the way home, miracle of all miracles, some taxi driver will stop his cab and kindly open the door for you. These events do happen, though rarely, and it is best to take advantage of the moment, albit carefully.

Above all, remember to enjoy yourself this upcoming new year and be safe. We need our readers in one piece for the next year. For the Ego boost and all.

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