It all began when Pepsi started a competition here in Fiji for a chance to win a trip to see the Black Eyed Peas live in…Australia. Which is, due to the recent drop in airfares to Australia from Fiji (thank god for competition) pretty much affordable compared to the bad old days of 1k plane tickets.

That tour got me thinking. Both Australia and New Zealand have, in the past, played host to alot of famous musicians and bands, from Coldplay to Janet Jackson to the super rockers U2. All well and good.

And then I look at Fiji. We’re practically next door to Australia and New Zealand. And yet what was the biggest thing music-wise to arrive at our shores?

Of course, Hollywood stars don’t count, since we get them so much we’ve got a special landing strip at the Nadi International Airport especially for them famous people, complete with burly looking guards, tinted cars and a few carefully selected fans with their backgrounds checked.

When it comes to popular music artists, the list is pretty small, and I can count them all on my left hand – Benny Hinn not counted.

Lets see. There was the Ub40 Tour, which, I must say, have had the pleasure of attending, and by golly their performance was the best damn thing since slice bread. We also had Lucky Dube (though he isn’t quite lucky now – RIP) visit us twice, and even some musicians who were associated with Bob Marley. There were other musicians but because I’ve forgotten who exactly they were, I guess they weren’t that big.

But I’m missing the numbers, the heavy hitters in the music industry in recent years. Why arn’t more musicians touring Fiji?

Initially, I thought it was because of our small population, with numbers not sufficient enough to support the tour expenses wise. That would be a good enough reason to prevent any big tour from considering Fiji as one of its pit stops.

But after dwelling upon the issue for a few days, I’ve decided that population alone simply cannot be the preventing factor in a music band’s tour’s plan. No, the reasons are far more terrifying than that.

1) We used to be cannibals

Thats right folks. And we’ve still got the forks in the meuseum to prove it. Sure, all visitors who reach our shores are steadfastly reminded that those were the dark dark days before Western Civilization and Seasame Street educated us on the downside of eating your neighbours, but who knows? There’s a little gnome inside every one of us who wouldn’t mind having a piece of Kylie Minogue, and if your ancestors were into the “long pig”, then the possiblities would go up by 2%.

2) They might get ripped off by sword sellers

Image Source: nacken.com

Ahh, Fiji’s very own Grifters. For the unawares, sword sellers take advantage of the whole “Bula” culture in Fiji, albit with a twist (and $40US). By posing as friendly carvers who would like nothing else then to hand over to you a gift with – oh look! Your name is already on the Fijian wooden sword, how nice of them. And only $40US? What a bargin! Until you find out that the same thing goes for about $2FJ in the local stores… Imagine what price tag the sword sellers would put for our visiting rock band because they’re famous? $500? Their Guitar? The Tour Bus? Nay, the thought is too painful to bear.

3) Drinking Grog will fuck up Their performance

Grog is not to be taken lightly (literally and otherwise). While it is the country’s national drink, it is also used to settle disputes between two parties (see who can last the longest over a really really intoxicating mix) as well as a measuring stick to judge the strength of a newcomer’s stomach (see how long over a really intoxicating mix they can last till the first throw-up). Of course, the newcomers in this case would be none other then the visiting musician who, because of the local tradition, will be forced to have ‘just a few bowls’. If a multi-million dollar live show is to follow, then you can just about kiss your sponsors goodbye. Co-joined and oft slurred words, a belief that the whole world is a giant pillow, and the urge to see through half closed eyes as well as wanting to take a peek at what dinner looks like after 2 hours. These are just some of the symptoms experienced when grog-doped, and are not recommended for the light at stomach. Or inexperienced.

4) We have Death Cabs for Cuties. And everyone else.

They say if you can drive in India, then you can drive anywhere in the world. Fiji’s taxi drivers do not belong to this world. As John Michael of ROTFBMALFO puts it so eloquently,

When we did stop, the driver turned to me & said “Sorry brother, sometimes my brakes fail“.

wtf.

Enough said.